For most dads, some things come more easily. For example, we know that we’re called to protect our family members. And we understand that we need to provide for their needs.
But other things aren’t as easy, like being an emotionally available father. For many guys, emotional distance isn’t just a stereotype. It may be a genuine struggle to understand your own emotions, much less knowing how to understand your child’s emotions. But while the battle is real, it is a battle that can be won.
The key to emotional availability is a concept called “emotional intelligence.” While it has a clinical definition, emotional intelligence basically refers to a person’s ability to understand their own emotions and to deal with them in constructive ways. It requires being aware of our emotions when they rise and to discern the impact they have on us and those around us.
Key Takeaways
- Emotional Distance Is Not Permanent: Many dads struggle with emotional availability, but with God’s help and intentional effort, it is a battle that can be won.
- Know Your Obstacles: Before you can grow in emotional intelligence, you have to honestly identify what is standing in your way, whether that is your past, your triggers, or your fear of vulnerability.
- Start with Your Own Emotions: You cannot connect with what your child is feeling until you have learned to recognize and handle what you are feeling.
- Stop, Feel, Respond: James 1:19-20 laid out the framework for emotional health centuries before modern psychology caught up that can help you manage your emotions.
- You Were Not Meant to Do This Alone: Accountability with other men, time in God’s Word, and a willingness to seek help when needed are all part of becoming the emotionally available father your kids need.
Obstacles to Emotional Intelligence for Dads
Getting a handle on emotional intelligence can be a game changer for you as a person and a dad. But that doesn’t mean it comes without challenges. It’s not just about “talking about your feelings” or “counting to 10 before you act.” Before you can embrace emotional intelligence, you’ve got to recognize the obstacles that stand in your way.
Some of these obstacles might be hidden. For example, you may be walking through life without any awareness of how your emotions are shaping your relationships. You might not see the positives and the negatives of your emotions, or worse, you may be ignoring them or stuffing them down inside yourself.
You also may not recognize the impact your past has had on your emotional intelligence. Some guys never had an emotionally healthy dad as a role model, so they don’t know how to deal with emotions now. Instead, they allow the culture to define who they are and how they should respond, and that’s not a healthy way to live.
Other obstacles might be easier to recognize. You might be able to identify some triggers that create emotional instability. Stress or fear can lead to emotional outbursts that damage relationships with your kids and others. So, rather than deal with the trigger, you pull away and become emotionally unavailable.
Other times, you might deal with the fear of being “less than.” In general, men don’t like feeling helpless or vulnerable. And when we’re challenged, we get defensive. This can lead to denial or anger. Either way, we’re creating emotional distance and making it harder to connect with our kids.
Nurturing Emotional Intelligence
As mentioned, your ability to understand your child’s emotions will depend on your ability to understand and handle your own emotions in a healthy way. Becoming a father who is emotionally stable and emotionally available takes some work, but we serve a God who knows us better than we know ourselves. Spending time in His Word and in prayer can make a huge difference.
As we see who He is and who He created us to be, we can move closer to His plans and purposes for our lives as men and as dads.
Paul told the Christians in Philippi that they shouldn’t “be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 4:6-7).
By handing our anxieties to our heavenly Father, we can experience peace that nurtures emotional intelligence.
Another Scripture related to emotional availability can be found in the book of James. In his letter, James challenged his readers to “be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God,” (James 1:19-20). Today, mental health professionals talk about the “Stop, Feel, Respond” approach to emotional health, but its principles are rooted in what God said through James centuries ago.
1. Stop
When you sense negative emotions starting to rise, slow down. Take a breath and recognize that you are experiencing a trigger. You want to respond calmly rather than react rashly.
2. Feel
This is a huge step when learning how to not be an emotionally distant father. Obviously, you’re going to feel something. The trick is recognizing and acknowledging what you’re feeling. Instead of flying off the handle in anger or withdrawing to an emotional cave, take control of your feelings. Master them before they have the chance to master you, or more accurately, allow God to master them for you.
Once you’ve managed your own emotions, you can connect with what your child is feeling. Again, this isn’t easy. It requires patience, self-control, and wisdom, all of which require absolute dependence on the Lord.
3. Respond
Everyone loves options. Thankfully, emotional intelligence gives you more options than you would have if you chose to be angry or distant. When you stop and feel, you can approach issues with a clearer mind instead of dealing with a bundle of emotions. Again, when you are emotionally healthy, you can make stronger emotional connections with your child. When you are available for them, they will be more available to you.
More Tips for Emotional Intelligence
While “Stop, Feel, Respond” is a great habit to develop as a father seeking emotional availability, it’s not the only step you can take. Here are three more practical ideas for nurturing emotional health that benefit you and your family:
1. Study Proverbs
Of all the books in the Bible, Proverbs just might be the most practical for living your life each day. It provides wisdom for so many challenges we face as men, including our emotions. For example, Proverbs 16:32 reminds us that “[p]atience is better than power, and controlling one’s emotions, than capturing a city,” (CSB).
Take some time to dig into Proverbs. With 31 chapters, you can read a chapter a day for an entire month. But treat it like a marathon more than a sprint. Don’t rush through the verses. Let them take root in your heart and life. Let God speak and teach you how to become an emotionally available father.
2. Be Accountable
A lot of men are familiar with the biblical truth that “[i]ron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another,” (Proverbs 27:17). Unfortunately, fewer of them actually put it into practice. But accountability can be a great tool to add to your emotional intelligence toolbox.
Find a mentor who has walked where you’re walking now. Join a group of like-minded men who will support you and provide a safe place for questions and concerns. The enemy will tell you that you can pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, but the Christian life has always been a team sport. Find your team and do life together.
3. Seek Professional Help
For some, a support network should include a Christian counselor or therapist, and there is no shame in that. If you’re wrestling with issues that overwhelm you, don’t let stigmas and stereotypes hold you back from getting the advice and wisdom you need to thrive. A solid Christian mental health expert can help you untangle the knots that hold you back and offer ideas for positive coping techniques.
