3 types of dads: the ideal, the total failure, and you. Manhood Journey

There are three types of dads in this world. First, there’s the father who totally missed the mark. Second, there’s the dad who’s never messed up. Third, there’s you somewhere in the middle. Let’s look at all three types of dads and see what we can learn.

The Total Failure Father

Maybe you’re seeing this chart and thinking, “I’m that father on the extreme left. I’m the total foul-up.”

No, you’re not.

I can say that confidently for one simple reason: you’re reading this post. The fact that you’re reading this post on how to dump the mantle of failure speaks volumes.

A total failure is a dad who doesn’t care he’s a failure.

So, you may not be anywhere near the idealistic father. However, by acknowledging your own failures, admitting you need help, apologizing to your child, and confessing to God, you’ve moved a great distance from the other end of the spectrum.

This may sound odd, but don’t resolve to be the ideal father. If you do that, you’re placing an incredibly unrealistic demand on yourself. You’ll only frustrate yourself and get discouraged. Instead, make God’s standard your goal. You won’t hit the goal every time, but just keep aiming for the standard of Christlikeness in your parenting. Michael Jordan missed as many shots as he made (his career field goal percentage was 49.7), but he is still considered one of the greatest players ever. Keep aiming for the goal.

The Ideal Father

Look at the above image again. Look at that gap between you and the ideal father. Let’s be honest, you’ll never close that gap. As you grow in your walk with Christ and deepen your relationship with your child, you can certainly lessen that gap, but you’ll never fully arrive at it this side of heaven. And you’ll still stumble on occasion.

But that gap between you and The Ideal Father does not mean you have failed your child. Or that your child will not grow, develop, and succeed as he should. That gap is not an empty gap. Jesus stands in the gap.

Live as a man under the lordship of Christ, and let Him fill in those areas where you’re weak.

When we think of the Apostle Paul, we usually think of a powerful evangelist, a man with a mighty pen who effectively spread the gospel. Yet he told the church at Corinth that, when he first came to their city, “I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling” (1 Cor. 2:3). Paul may have been unsure of himself, but the Holy Spirit worked through him and filled the gap.

Paul reminded those same Corinthians of their own apparent shortcomings. “Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong” (1:26-27).

What the world sees versus what God sees in the types of dads

When it comes to three types of dads, you may look inadequate in the world’s eyes. You may see the gaps in your own life, but God is with you. He steps in with grace. God says to you what He said to Paul: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9).

When temptation is calling your name, God’s grace gives you the power to stand.
When Satan wants to remind you of your past failures, God’s grace reminds you that you are free of the past.
When you fall, God’s grace picks you and puts you back on the path—His path.

But God’s grace is not just at work in your life; His grace is also at work in your child’s life.

God’s grace will help your child forgive any hurt.
God’s grace can overcome any stumbling blocks your failures may have introduced into your child’s life.
God’s grace will lead your child to see how God is at work in your life.

Your story is not finished yet. And neither is your child’s. “But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect” (1 Cor. 15:10).

What you can do to become a better father

List the evidence of God’s grace in your life. We tend to focus on the negative effect we have on our children, but do the opposite. List the ways God’s grace is evident in your child’s life.
Spend time in prayer, thanking Him for His abundant grace. Be specific as you pray. Ask Him to remind you regularly of ways He is graciously working in your life and in the life of your child.
Encourage other fathers to move forward from regret and embrace the grace of God in their lives. Meet together for encouragement and accountability. Read the Removing Doubt Field Guide, meet over several weeks, and discuss it.