Breaking Barriers: 3 questions to ask before a big talk with your child

I remember such rote conversations with my own parents. It was easy to push them away by feigning indifference. The strategy was simple: respond with minimal effort, don’t make eye contact, go quiet. And I was determined to prevent my kids from doing this to me. I was onto them! I had mastered this art form myself before I even entered puberty. None of my offspring would manipulate me.

Sadly, this is what many parents think, and we all fail just like our own parents did.

But we can’t give up! There are many benefits to having good conversations with our kids. And there’s a way to break past their walls. It lies in the power of questions. Asking the right questions—the right way—interrupts the negative thinking that tends to course through their minds:

• Talking with you is boring
• You don’t really care about my life
• Can we just get this over with?

You may have already been aware of their thought processes. But many of us parents have allowed them to stew for too long. Over time, this psychological spin can fester, souring their overall relationship with us. There is a way to correct their thinking, to turn talk-time into a benefit rather than a waste. You may not see instant success, and you may even take a step back at times, but if you employ the strategy that follows, you may transform your relationship with your kids.

The idea of Breaking Barriers is simple:

Ask your children personal questions that break down their resistance and reinforce your love for them, so their relationship with you and God strengthens. You won’t have a script in front of you every time you talk to your kids. You might even just remember parts of what I’m about to tell you. When you recognize a significant moment, or a potentially meaningful talk-time, just remember one word: Dinner.

Yes, I mean that face-to-face family time we seem to have lost in today’s culture. The benefits of dinnertime conversation are well documented, but what do you do when you can’t seem to connect as a family at the table?

You take the table to your children.

Dinner talk-time can be anytime. It can be during an actual meal, in the car on the way to a practice or late at night when they’re stressed about homework or relationships. This process likely won’t roll out every time in five neat- and-tidy steps. Sometimes the table is set, and the appetizers are already served and it’s easy to dive in. Other times, your kids may not even be hungry.

Regardless of how your conversations start, the one thing I can guarantee, if you follow this model, is you will be fathering on purpose. You won’t be allowing your children to dictate your relationship with them; you’ll never have to wonder how to talk to them. So, let’s try our chef’s hat on and get to work!

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. —Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

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Setting the table

Have you ever set a table? If not, stop reading this book right now and YouTube how to do it. Real men know their way around a kitchen. The setup for your conversation with your son or daughter is simple, though it may look slightly different every time you do it. Whether you need to discuss a serious issue with your child, or you just want to find out what’s going on inside their head, here are three questions to help you think through the setup for your dinner talk:

1. Is the timing right?

Timing is everything in your conversations with sons and daughters. If either of you are stressed out, tired or otherwise preoccupied, the chances of having a significant discussion plummet.

Other bad times include when an issue hasn’t fully played out. For example, let’s say your son needs to confront a friend or is stressed about an important baseball game tomorrow, and rather than help them deal with their emotions about those issues, you decide to grab an opportunity to drive home general lessons about friends and sportsmanship. Bad decision.

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” —Prov. 20:5

2. Is there anything that needs to be addressed first?

Sometimes the conversation you want to have is not the one you need to have. There may be something that’s gone unaddressed for way too long and lingers like fog between you and your child. Is there a mistake they’ve made, or a rebellious streak that requires discipline? Have you made a mistake or been extra harsh, and haven’t yet asked for forgiveness? Then it’s time to clear the air.

How do you sweep away that fog? Sometimes, depending on the issue and how long it has persisted without resolution, the only thing you can do is just do it. Ask for forgiveness, clear out a misconception, reconcile. This “pre-conversation” may end up accomplishing much more than anything else you could’ve talked about. So, before you launch into a new, significant issue, take an inventory of any old, more significant ones. My point? Before you set the table, make sure any old dishes have been cleared away first.

3. Can you minimize distractions?

Interruptions can kill the moment, or at least derail it. If you can’t have a full conversation, including any necessary tension and resolution, you’ll want to wait until another, better time. Even the threat of interruption can tinge a conversation with unnatural hurry. If you’re constantly on alert for potential hindrances, you may get to the main point too fast, skipping over important happenings in the life of your child or only give cursory nods when they start to reveal their long-held thoughts and opinions.

Consider putting your phones away before you talk.

Go to a coffee shop, or at least a private room in the house. Start the talk at the beginning of a long drive with just the two of you. Give family members notice that you need privacy. In other words, do whatever it takes to ensure you and your child can focus completely on each other. Don’t expect to plumb the depths of their heart if their mind is distracted.

When you take time to answer these three questions, you’ll be well on your way to setting the table for deeper discussion with your son or daughter. Who knows? You may break barriers that have been building for years. My hope is that you will begin to draw your children close and then watch them embark on their own God-given adventures. You can do this, dad. We’ll be right here if you need us.