Where do you go for advice on being a father? How do you learn to be a better husband? Who taught you how to act like a man? As a man, you need to build strong male friendships that you do life with. An inner circle to help you overcome challenges that hinder your ability to be the best father and husband you can be. I write this not as someone who has everything figured out about being a father, nor as a parenting expert. I continue to make plenty of mistakes, even though I have plenty of grey hair from my “successful failures” as a man and as a dad.
“As iron sharpens iron,
Proverbs 27:17
so one person sharpens another”
Lessons on Fatherhood and Friendships
I’m now in the phase of parenting grown children. I am also learning how to be a father-in-law since my three sons are now married. This requires knowing when to be a coach, rather than a manager. It requires knowing when not to interject my opinions but wait until I am asked (though I still fail at it often!). This phase followed several years of learning how to be a dad to grown adult men, where male friendships began to play a significant role in my life.
I’ve also made it through the phase of how to be a dad to teenagers. One particular lesson was accentuated by “My Darth Vadar Story.” One day during lunch with my then-teenage boys, one said that he just wanted me to be more of his dad and less of a father. He made his point using the voice of the evil father of a young Jedi Knight saying, “Luke, I am your father!” The four of us burst out laughing. For me, I laughed through the tears of a dad healing some truth from his sons, a moment shared in the strength of our friendship.
Find those you can count on
Even before that stage of fatherhood, I needed help on how to raise my kids to follow God. Fortunately, my pastor was a few years ahead of me in life and shared his wisdom. I also found some good friends at that stage of my young life who helped make sure I didn’t cause any permanent damage (at least I hope not!). During this stage, I also developed some deeper, more authentic male friendships with other men—what I called my GodBuddies, who helped me learn how to be a better man. They helped my spiritual journey grow and through some serious personal experiences. These godly men taught me how to be a better father and continue to show me how to be a better man, highlighting the importance of male friendships in my life.
Struggles of Men Today
Today, many men struggle with stress, loneliness, addiction, and health issues that cause them to behave like young boys. Don’t just take my word for it, the Surgeon General’s report of isolation and loneliness “confirms” what most of us have known for a long time. Men are isolated, lonely, and passive. This leads them to not accept their responsibilities. These immature males drop back rather than step forward. They prefer to have someone tell them what to do, rather than learn new skills and how to lead. They are not acting like responsible adults, often lacking strong male friendships to guide them.
I believe that fathers are at their very best when they have deeper, more authentic male friendships. They have friends who encourage each other and hold each other accountable to higher standards. They help each other learn the hard and soft skills needed to be a great father; not an emotionally and physically absent one, underscoring the critical role male friendships play in successful fatherhood.
The Solution
My theory is that every man needs a small group of friends that I call GodBuddies. These are your inner circle of men with whom you do life. You learn together, recreate together, study together, pray together, and challenge each other to become better at being a man. My GodBuddy concept is based on biblical principles for friendship and manhood as Jesus modeled. However, the application is for all men, regardless of their beliefs, driven by the power of male friendships.
The epidemic of fatherlessness in our world is driven by a crisis of male friendship. A man with deeper, authentic friendships has stronger relationships with his spouse and children. He gets along well with his parents and siblings. Just about everyone he encounters benefits. He is a better friend, neighbor, and coworker. He is a man other fathers come to for guidance. Better fathers learn to be more like Jesus. He is the ultimate role model for men because He had the greatest Father of all time, supported by unmatched male friendships.
Are you ready to be the dad God called you to be? Take the Godly Father Assessment to see how you’re doing and where you can improve as a father!
