Do you know these two truths to become a better communicator?

I have a number of roles in my life. To name a few: believer, husband, father, ministry leader, volunteer. I want to become increasingly capable in each area. Another important area of focus is how to become a better communicator

There’s one skill I’m still honing that delivers the greatest leverage across these life assignments. As I get stronger doing this one thing, my effectiveness in all aspects increases. This is the ability to communicate effectively.

It’s an art I have not mastered, far from it! But, I am a better communicator today than I was ten years ago; and, I hope the same will be true about me ten years from now, Lord willing.

My closest friends may argue I still have a long way to go in the craft of communicating, but what are they arguing about that for? I thought they were my closest friends. Never mind.

If I am to be my best in this area, I must accept two fundamental truths about interpersonal communication:

1. Asking is steering
2. Listening is learning

Asking is steering

When I want to influence someone, I try to talk less and ask more. I believe my maximum influence is unlocked when I am gently steering a conversation (or meeting, or project…) by asking good questions.

I had a boss who was the most gifted of question-askers. And, you could dismiss this too quickly by thinking, “Asking questions? Well no duh, I can ask questions like anybody else.”

Perhaps, but consider this. You can throw a ball. So can Mariano Riviera. The difference between the two of you? A few hundred million in the bank, international stardom, and a guaranteed spot in the baseball hall of fame.

There are “rec league” question-askers and there are hall-of-famers. Which are you? If you want to increase your influence, you will go pro in the question-asking game.

Listening is learning

We teach to impart, we listen to learn. It’s usually that simple.

Now, I know that in the process of teaching, we are learning. Time spent preparing, fielding questions, and reflecting on how we might do it better the next time are all learning moments for us.

However, normally it’s tough to be simultaneously doing-the-talking and doing-the-learning. If you find yourself doing 90% of the talking in your life – in your marriage, parenting, staff meetings, or volunteer huddles – you are probably at a serious learning deficit.

When is the last time you self-administered a talking audit? What share of your time spent with others finds your mouth open versus your ears?

For us to maximize our leadership capacity, we must grow in our ability to communicate. This means we must ask more and listen well.

Implications for Fathers

If you’re a dad, I hope this strikes a chord. Since you want to be an intentional and engaged father, keeping these principles in mind is essential.

If we want our kids to listen to us – especially as they hit those teen years – we need to trade talking for listening. And, not just random listening to whatever is on their minds (though this is crucial); but, directed listening on the heels of informed and spirit-led questions.

When it comes to the game of asking great questions and listening well, why not become a Hall of Famer?