Breaking Barriers: 6 strategies for more meaningful talks with your child

The more talks you have with your child, you’ll start to notice your own style. You’ll say some of the same things over and over. Shocker, I know! You’ll notice you structure your conversations in similar ways or give some of the same advice. I want to give you six strategies to shape your unique approach. These six ideas will increase the effectiveness of each conversation and will make for more meaningful talks with your child.

This post is just a tiny snippet of my Breaking Barriers Field Guide. Grab it here or see all the Field Guides for dads here.

Here are the six (6) strategies for more meaningful talks with your child

1. Review and adjust to your child’s personality

If your oldest son likes to talk incessantly, your daughter is quieter but more emotional and your youngest son is quiet but intense, you can’t talk to them all the same way. The same style will produce different results. I wrote this post as a reference to get you ready before talking to your child.

2. Review your history

Another factor in your approach to your individual children should be to fully consider your relational rhythms and past issues. Have you had a rough time with your daughter, who always seems to talk back? Does your son roll his eyes whenever you get serious?

Whatever your past experience with them, remember it is redeemable. But don’t ignore the past—be prepared for it to repeat itself. This will help prevent frustrations as old issues resurface.

3. Know where your child is in their skills, maturity and life stage

Is he naturally a good communicator? Deep thinker? Or maybe a little challenged emotionally and not able to sit still very long? Is she more concerned with what her friends think of her than what you think? You can adjust your word choice and tone of voice to match them where they are. Also, check out this post to help get your child to open up.

4. Talk less, ask more

Sometimes older kids won’t listen because we talk too much. I’m convinced, the more dads I talk with, especially as your child ages, the more we need to listen—or ask better questions. Also, we need to be careful not to always plant correction in our questions—older kids can sense when they’re being “creatively” admonished!

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” —Prov. 20:5

5. Create safety

Asking specific questions creates a comfort zone for kids with limited conversational skills. It creates boundaries, helping them focus their mind on specific topics rather than having to figure out how to answer questions like, “What did you do today?” Try this idea for connecting with your child like never before.

6. Take the pressure off

If they’re having trouble answering a question you think is important, let them think on it and pick the conversation back up later. Also, if you sense they may want to ask about a deeper topic like your marriage, work, past mistakes or something else personal, encourage them you’ll answer to the best of your ability, but with discretion.

Asking questions is more art than science. It’s fluid, unpredictable, sometimes messy. If you do it right, you sometimes won’t feel like you’re very good at it. You aren’t alone when it comes to struggling with communication. Use one or all of these ideas for your next conversation.

Question: Which one of these six (6) areas need the most work for you? Explain. Tell us in the comments below, tweet @manhoodjourney or email us.

Does your child feel distant from you?

You can pull your child closer through conversation. Breaking Barriers helps better connect through smarter questions.

About the author > Tom R. Harper

Tom Harper has been married for 25 years and has three children. He serves in various ministry roles at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky, as well as the Board Chairman of Manhood Journey. Tom is the author of Through Colored Glasses: How Great Leaders Reveal Reality and Leading from the Lions’ Den: Leadership Principles from Every Book of the Bible. Keep up with Tom at BiblicalLeadership.com and grab his Field Guide Breaking Barriers.

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