Do you know the most important bible verse about fathers in the New Testament? If you asked my kids, “Is your dad kind or angry?” Their honest answer would probably be, “Oh, our dad’s great, except for in the mornings before school and nights before bed—during those times he gets a pitch fork and turns red.” Now, I’m kidding a little. I mean, I haven’t found a reasonably-priced pitch fork on Amazon Prime yet.mIn this post, we’ll look at the single most important New Testament verse on biblical fatherhood and let it speak to us. Let’s rock and roll. 

 

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. —Ephesians 6:4

 

I’ve said before in other posts, but I repeat: I don’t speak as one who has arrived on the mountaintop and is now pointing and shouting directives at you. No, if there is a verse in Scripture I need to hear, it’s this one. So I write.

I understand this is one of the biggest challenges dads face. There’s so many excuses—too many meetings, too much work, being tired, overwhelmed and lack of me-time—but our calling is to hold up this Scripture and be faithful. Let’s see what Ephesians 6:4 has to say about biblical fatherhood.

Fathers…

This means you, dad, have the leading responsibility in raising your child. Hear me out, not the sole responsibility, but the leading responsibility. I’ve heard my responsibility as a dad explained this way. If there was a problem with my kid’s behavior, and if Jesus knocked on the door and my wife answered the door, Jesus would say, “Hello, Tonia, (my wife’s name), is Ryan home? We need to talk.”

Not that Tonia bears zero responsibility—of course not. But, I bear the leading responsibility in seeing the children are brought up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

So, what’s this look like daily? When you see yourself as the lead-responsibility-holder, it means you see all other people around you as your assistants. Grandparents, teachers, pastors, coaches, you name the person—doesn’t matter how expert they may be—he or she is your assistant in raising your child.

Now, this also assumes we take the initiative. It means I know what’s happening in my child’s life and teaching. Remember, the spiritual leadership qualification for leading in the church, is whether a man manages his own children and household well (1 Timothy 3:4,12). This means we take the initiative making sure plans and processes and people are in place to teach your child about God. 

  

…do not provoke your children to anger…

Let’s get real here. I don’t realistically think this verse means you never get upset, annoyed, angry or displeased with your child—ever. That ain’t fair and it ain’t right.

It DOES mean we should NOT handle our child in a way that he will be incited to a wrathful kind of living and become an angry young man. Note, the warning here is not about one incident of anger, but about a lifestyle of anger. Here’s the challenge: avoid raising a child like what’s found in the following verses:

 

  • “A person with great anger bears the penalty; if you rescue him, you’ll have to do it again.” —Proverbs 19:19 
  • “A man who does not control his temper is like a city whose wall is broken down.” —Proverbs 25:28

The Bible speaks of two kinds of anger (1 Samuel 15:23 and Ephesians 4:31): 

#1 Flaring outburst of rage; open rebellion; hostility; temper tantrums (see Prov. 14:17; 15:18; 19:19; 22:24 and Eph. 4:31).

#2 Settled indignation; the slow burn; willing to wait for revenge; apathy; stubbornness; indifference; withdrawal; moodiness (see Gen. 4:5-13; Prov. 14:17; Eph 4:3).

How much of the anger in your home is caused by you? As fathers, we must take notice of God’s Word from Ephesians 6:4.

Now, for those reading with older kids, this doesn’t mean all of our child’s anger is caused by you. Each of our children is personally responsible for his or her own sin. However, the warning is here. One of the ways our sin shows is by provoking others to anger. And the easiest place to do that is in our own home. I’ll stop here—just short of explaining my spiritual gift of provoking my wife to anger. 

What are the most common ways we provoke to anger? That’s a logical next question. I won’t repeat every way in this post, but here’s a helpful list called 25 ways to raise an angry child. Read that post when you have time. Let’s keep it moving.

 

…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

What does this mean? I’ll tell you, I recently heard a biblical counseling lecture on this topic. “Bringing the up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” means our goal is to raise our children to maturity, not just physically, but training in such a way that we equip our child to live as a godly, mature adult.
This is why we at Manhood Journey want you to be intentional about discipling your son—so we offer 1 on 1 and group resources.

We want you to walk with your son through:

Think about it: 

— Children do not automatically grow up, by themselves, to be what God wants them to be (Prov. 22:15; 29:15).
— This is a command from God. It is not one of many options for raising your kids – it is the only option for the Christian dad.
— This takes being constantly involved. There is no time of day or night, no situation or circumstance that is “off-limits” for carrying out your responsibility.
The goal of our fathering is not success, ivy league education or lots of money. While these things aren’t bad things in themselves, if we view them as the goal, we fail. Our goal is to lead our child to love Christ, obey His Word and function as an adult who thinks and acts biblically.
As Chuck Colson would say, “faithfulness not success.” When I consider this, my rushed mornings and tired nights will be seen as disciple-making time—not just barking-orders time. Excuse me while I remove the pitch fork from my Amazon wish list.

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