The Bible is filled with warnings about anger. While “righteous anger” does have its place, God’s Word usually emphasizes the dangers of losing our tempers, as well as the damage it does to our relationships. That includes the impact of angry parents on their kids.
As a dad, your kids look up to you. Even more, they need the assurance that you are on their side. Your acceptance is their top priority. But your anger toward them can shatter their world. Angry parents pull the rug out from under their children and leave them without a solid foundation.
That’s why you need to understand how your anger affects your children—and what you can do to be the man and dad God created you to become.
Your Anger and Your Kids
Before we go any further, let’s acknowledge something: We all get angry at times. We all blow it, lose our cool, say things, and do things we wish we could take back. We are sinful, imperfect, and broken creatures.
But there’s a difference between that momentary lapse and a lifestyle marked by parental anger. Truly angry parents don’t just miss the mark every once in a while. Anger is a part of who they are. It defines their character. An angry parent creates a culture within the family where everything and everyone feels the heat of their rage.
And that kind of uncontrolled anger does not come without consequences. Angry parents have a negative impact on their kids. In addition to falling short of their Creator’s intentions, their short fuse can lead to long-lasting trauma in the lives of the ones closest to them.
Angry parents create a lack of security.
As mentioned, kids long for security. They need to know they are in a safe space. But if they’re living with an angry parent, that security is harder to find. Eventually, they will start looking for it outside the home, which can lead to dangerous choices and negative behaviors.
Angry parents nurture generational anger.
Since kids learn by example, angry parents teach their kids that anger is the best way to handle situations. Anger begets more anger, and it becomes a generational legacy. The cycle is difficult to break, and it can have a lasting impact on their childhood and even their lives as adults.
Parental anger leads to negative control issues.
When life feels chaotic, kids will do whatever they can to regain control. For many kids, this involves acting out. Dangerous conditions like cutting, eating disorders, obsessive compulsion, and other issues often result because kids can’t process what they are experiencing. The anger of parents intensifies these feelings of helplessness and drives them to exert control in other ways.
Parental anger reinforces perfectionism.
Another negative response to angry parents is the unrealistic desire to be perfect. Kids take ownership of their parents’ anger, believing they are to blame. In their minds, dad and mom won’t get angry if they do everything right. As a result, they fixate on being perfect. Mistakes foster frustration and depression. Obviously, no one is perfect, so the cycle continues. This misguided attempt to stem anger before it starts only leads to more insecurity and trauma. And, if unresolved, it will plague kids into adulthood.
Angry parents can become abusive parents.
Anger can lead to abuse. This abuse can take many forms. Sometimes, it’s physical. Other times, it might be verbal or emotional. In all cases, it carries a devastating impact on the lives of children. Angry parents take out their frustrations on these young victims, weaker individuals who cannot defend themselves.
Think About the Downstream Impact
As you read about the impact angry parents can have on their kids, you might realize that you’re “that guy.” God could be convicting you and leading you to evaluate the role anger is playing in your life and in the life of your family. If so, you can change. With God’s help, you can become a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).
First of all, seek forgiveness. That begins with God, especially if you’ve never given your life to Him and accepted His offer of salvation. If you’re not a believer, that’s the most important step you can take. But even if you’ve made that decision in the past, you still need to seek His forgiveness for your anger—and you need to seek the forgiveness of your family, including your children.
Next, you need to create a plan. One great step is to seek professional help. A Christian counselor or therapist can walk with you as you learn to control your temper and cool the anger that you’ve been feeling. They also can help you identify the triggers that set you off and give you tools for dealing with them.
Finally, you need to take care of yourself. Angry parents often have unresolved issues that have taken root in their lives. You’ve got to deal with those and then take steps to protect yourself spiritually, physically, and emotionally. You’ll never be able to lead your family in a healthy way if you’re not healthy yourself.
If you’re an angry parent, you can find a way out. God didn’t create you to be dominated by anger. He wants you to experience so much more as a man, a husband, and a father. He will help you turn the corner if you will turn to Him.
