5 steps to more meaningful conversations with your kids

The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. —Proverbs 20:5 (NIV)

Here are five (5) steps to more meaningful conversations with your kids:

1. Set the table
2. Serve appetizers
3. Dish out the main course
4. Scoop out the dessert
5. Clean up

1. Set the table for meaningful conversations

Have you ever set a table? Whether you need to discuss a serious issue with your child, or you just want to find out what’s going on inside their head, two questions help me think through what I should say:

Is the timing right? Let’s say your son needs to confront a friend or is stressed about an important baseball game tomorrow, and rather than help them deal with their emotions about those issues, you decide to grab an opportunity to drive home general lessons about friends and sportsmanship. Bad decision. It’s often better to encourage our kids through the difficulties they face then unpack what happened later.

Is there anything that needs to be addressed first? Sometimes the conversation you want to have is not the one you need to have. There may be something that’s gone unaddressed for way too long and lingers like fog between you and your child. Is there a mistake they’ve made, or a rebellious streak that requires discipline? Have you made a mistake or been extra harsh, and haven’t yet asked for forgiveness?

What’s one thing you can do to “set the table” with your kids?

2. Serve appetizers

When you eat an appetizer, it’s not enough to fill you up; it’s just enough to whet your appetite for the main course. In the same way, your conversation needs a transition before the main course. An easy way to head toward your more serious talk is to prepare the palate with easy-to-answer questions. Try out some of these openers:

• “Was today a good day? What was your favorite part? The worst part?”
• “What’re you doing tomorrow/this weekend?”
• “What’s your favorite class/subject/song these days?”

These questions will help get them talking. Now, it’s time to move your conversation to the next level.

Which question(s) should you ask your child to “serve appetizers” this evening?

3. Dish out the main course

You’ve eased into the conversation and are ready to get on with it. The next step is simple: Ask open-ended questions—the kind that require longer answers.

• “Got anything you’ve been struggling with lately with friends, school, or siblings?”
• “How are you doing with your homework?”
• “Any thoughts on [_insert current event here_]?”

Whether your goal is dealing with a specific issue or forging a deeper connection—the process of setting the table, serving appetizers, and getting to the main course will serve you both well.

Which question should you ask your child to “dish out the main course” this evening?

4. Scoop out the dessert

But just like the best dinners, you’re not done when the main course is over. It feels unnatural to abruptly end a conversation without a wind-down. Positive comments like “I’m proud of you” and “I didn’t know you felt that way” can be incredibly encouraging for your kids to hear after they’ve made themselves vulnerable. Depending on the age and stage of your child, he or she may have little or no experience having heart-to-heart conversations.

During this dessert phase, the main idea is to speak words of encouragement. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

What dessert do you need to scoop out this evening?

5. Clean up

After dessert comes the part most kids try to skip out on: the clean-up. But it’s the only way you can prepare the kitchen and table for the next meal. The same is true for your next talk. If you tidy things up and leave your child anticipating a positive experience next time, you’ll find it easier to engage them when a new issue requires some wrangling.

Some questions to help you get there:

• “Do you mind if we do this again soon?”
• “Did you like having this talk?”
• “Is there anything else I should’ve asked?”

What’s one way you’ll “clean up” this evening in conversation with your child?

Bonus step for more meaningful conversations: Take inventory

Ask yourself a few questions after your talk:

• What did I learn?
• What will I do differently the next time we have a talk like that?
• What was the result?

Remember, results can take time. And, if things go sour, don’t lose hope! Try again, when the timing is right. Go back through the process and alter your technique based on what you learned.

We all need to practice communicating with our children. Sometimes we do well, sometimes our tiredness causes havoc and requires a conversation do-over. Over time, my hope is you’ll look back and find that you’ve had many meaningful conversations with your kids.