I get lots of questions from dads about discipling kids. Often, I’ll have a string of similar questions, which causes me to stop, scratch my head, and wonder how many more dads are struggling in a similar way, and just not emailing me about their struggle.
I want to offer up encouragement to these dads who are struggling right now. What follows is a few struggles some dads are facing around wanting to disciple their kids, but also feeling the stress and urgency of not having a lot of time before their kids leave the house. Here’s how I’ve tried to help these dads by replying with advice. My hope is that it will encourage you as well.
The questions dads are asking right now
Here’s a sampling of what I’ve heard from a few dads recently.
- My son doesn’t want to bond with me. I want to bond with him, especially as he’s growing so fast.
- I need all the help I can get to understand how to use questions. I don’t want to come off as preachy or judgmental and turn him off.
- I have two sons in the house, both with only 2-4 years under my roof, how can you help me disciple my kids?
My advice for struggling dads
First, I want to thank the dads for reaching out to me. I’m grateful for their transparency. My aim is always, first and foremost, to help dads KEEP GOING!
Listen, I know raising kids is the hardest, funniest, most challenging, and rewarding job all at once. While I don’t have all the answers (for my own kids, much less yours!), I have five sons ages 21, 18, 16, 9, and 5. They’ve each presented my wife and me with unique and sometimes exasperating challenges. I can relate to how you feel, in most cases. I have plenty of experience!
If your questions sound anything like the dads’ questions above, I want you to know a few things:
1. There’s no magic formula.
Breathe that first statement in again. Because everybody is selling a formula. There’s no magic recipe that, if we just get the ingredients right, our kids will “turn out” perfectly. There was ONE perfect Father – God Himself – and the children He made rebelled and sinned. We can’t be perfect, and our kids won’t be either.
2. But, there are some key ingredients.
Even though there’s no recipe, there are some key ingredients that we know are worth tossing in: Time in God’s Word and prayer being two of the biggest. It’s important that we lead and love our kids out of the overflow of our own spiritual walk. Be in the Word, be praying for him. That stuff is irreplaceable.
3. Maturity matters.
Yes, you want to raise more mature young men. True. At the same time, if your 14-year-old is anything like the ones I’ve parented, there’s a ton they have yet to learn. I don’t really draw hard demarcations between boyhood and manhood. I found a statement about maturity that has served me well, “Maturity is defined by the level of responsibility we’re willing to accept.”
I’ve had deep conversations with my boys on this. The more mature you are, the more responsibility you accept—for your actions, thoughts, behavior, time in the Word, emotions, finances…you name it. If you’re sloughing it off on someone else, odds are, you have some room to mature in that area.
“Maturity is defined by the level of responsibility we’re willing to accept.” Share on X4. Learn to ask really good questions.
Asking better questions is vital! The degree to which you can relate to your teen son is directly proportional to the questions you ask and how and when you ask them. Tone, content, timing—they all play a factor. You’ll find The Connected Father course has a TON of questions that are meant to help you be more of an asker than a teller.
Telling your kids stuff works great when they’re young, but asking your kids stuff works much more effectively as they mature. I love questions like
- “In this situation, what do you want?” or
- “Tell me, regarding that issue, what did you expect would happen?” or
- “How would you like this situation to end up?”
MAKE YOUR SON THINK. If you want a deep dive on this topic, read Teaching to Change Lives by Howard Hendricks. The best book on not just “standing up and teaching,” but on how to influence others through smart questions. That, and Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp. Two of my all-time favorite books. Find our list of essential books for how to be a better husband and father for more ideas.
Last thing for now. Don’t try to be your son’s hero. Point your son to the real hero, Jesus Christ. And, pray like crazy.
Which one of the four things in this post do you need to help your son with right now?
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