Being a Stepdad is a challenging role to fill. You’re not the dad, but you’re also not, not the dad. It can be a tricky balance between dad, friend, authority figure, and background character without a vote. If this is a confusing situation for you (and how could it not be), imagine how complicated it must feel from the kids’ point of view. However, even with these challenges present, you can still have healthy relationships with those kids who are now a big part of your life. Let’s look at 10 habits you can learn right now that’ll make you an all-star stepdad.
1. Love your wife.
If you’re a stepdad, there’s a great chance the kids you now influence have a broken view of what marriage is or should be. You can help restore that image by loving their mom the way God has called a man to love his wife (Ephesians 5:25-28).
2. Find your lane.
Depending on numerous factors—kids’ age, kids’ gender, the role the biological father plays, etc.—the boundaries you have to walk between as stepfather will shift. Like a river, flow through the banks the kids set up for you. Be what they need when they need it and wait for them to widen the riverside.
3. Ask how you can help.
Admit that you recognize you are not the dad, but you still desire to be someone they can depend on. Have an open conversation about what you can do to be the most help to them. You might be surprised by what they tell you.
4. Don’t tear their father down.
Unfortunately, some of you will be stepping into a situation where the biological father has no idea who a dad is supposed to be. Worse than that, they may have no intentions of being dad, nor allowing you to pick up their slack. These men (if you can call them that) will be easy targets to unleash your frustrations on. Practice restraint, my friend. Almost certainly, your stepkids will have a distorted view of their biological father. It’s not your responsibility to clean their lenses to see their father more clearly. That’s a recognition they have to come to on their own. Trying to speed up that process will only make you look worse in their eyes.
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5. It’s not a competition.
Don’t keep score. You don’t have to try and prove to your stepkids that you are a better dad than their biological father. Hopefully, those kids will now have two “dads” that love them.
6. Be tough.
Try not to let your feelings get hurt over comments and actions. Everyone is learning how you now fit into the family picture, including you. As the kids adjust to the new dad dynamics, they will most likely react purely from feelings. What comes out might not be enjoyable. Hang in there. Consistency on your part will prove to them your ability to stick around. Show them you aren’t going anywhere.
7. Don’t try to force your feelings.
What if you don’t love the kids instantly? That’s okay. But know it’s a package deal. You can’t choose to love mom and ignore her kids. If need be, start as friends and move on from there.
8. Give away encouragement.
Words of affirmation from an authoritative figure can breathe life into a child’s hurting heart. Be quick with a kind word. And be careful with criticism. Make sure you’ve earned a position of judgment in their eyes before you start slinging critiques.
9. Find some common ground.
These kids are human. There will be some shared interests between you. Search for it and spend time together doing it.
10. Follow your wife’s lead.
She and her kids have been a team for a while. You were recently picked up in the draft. You are learning how to use your skillset to navigate their team dynamics more than trying to adjust their team chemistry to fit you. Look to their mother for coaching tips.
Becoming a successful stepdad is a challenging process.
Some of the best advice may be the simplest—be patient. As you struggle, know this, it’s worse for the kids. Even if you are the absolute best stepdad, it can be hard for the kids. Sometimes liking you will feel to them like a betrayal to their biological father. Those are some complex feelings for an 8-year-old to sort through. Honestly, those are complicated feelings for an 18-year-old to work out. So, be patient. Be available. Be who they need you to be more than who you hope they see you as.
