The father-child bond is special. And when I think about what it means to teach your children about independence, I think back to something my dad did for me the summer between my junior and senior years of college. 

I had just gotten home for the summer and was at a local mall. When I was ready to leave, my car wouldn’t start, so I did what came naturally: I called my dad for help. After listening to my dilemma, he said, “Well, you better call the auto club and get it towed somewhere.” 

In other words, “You’re old enough to handle this on your own.” Guys who write on the subject of fatherhood talk about “passing a baton” or “blessing” moments when a father assures his son that he is enough. For me, hanging up that pay phone (this was before cell phones and texting) was one of those moments.

Dad had taught me what to do. Now, he was letting me do it.

Teaching kids to do for themselves

Let’s be clear, no father starts out wanting to be one of “those dads.” We recognize our responsibilities, and we acknowledge the dangers of doing everything for our children. We want them to grow up as independent adults. But, at times, even the best of us can’t help ourselves.

Honestly, it comes from a good place. It comes from an overwhelming sense of love for our kids and our desire to protect them. We don’t like seeing our kids struggle, even though we know struggles are going to happen—and can be beneficial. 

But like a lot of things in our fallen world, good intentions get twisted. And, instead of teaching our kids how to be independent, we create a codependency. Sometimes, it’s a two-way street between parent and child. In other cases, it can be traced to a dad’s personal insecurity and his sense of being needed. Instead of standing firm in our faith and our identity in Jesus, we let our fears dictate our actions.

Whatever the source, it’s a problem. It doesn’t help us as men, and it doesn’t help our kids learn what they need to prepare for life in the “real world.” Behind all of our good intentions, we ignore the dangers of doing everything for our kids.

How to avoid the trap

I’ve heard it said that a parent’s job is not just to raise good kids. We’re also called to raise successful adults. The only way we can do that is to teach our children independence—no matter how difficult it might be for them or us. 

Of course, that means we must loosen our grip a little. We’ll need to let the butterfly struggle to escape the cocoon or bump the young bird out of the nest. It’s not easy; but, with the help of God’s Spirit, it’s possible. Here are three keys for helping your kids learn to be independent.

Let them make choices and experience consequences

I’ll say up front that we’re talking about age-appropriate choices here. When your kids are little, you need to be more protective. As they mature, though, you need to give them the chance to make decisions for themselves. And, if those decisions come with negative results, they need to feel the burn. Again, you never want them to fall into danger; but, if you’re alert, God will give you His wisdom and show you opportunities where they can stretch their wings and learn, even if they’re learning the hard way. After all, it’s better that they learn from their mistakes while under your roof than when they’re out on their own.

Take advantage of teachable moments

My dad had started the process of teaching me independence long before that phone call at the mall. He had given me other chances to make decisions and to feel consequences. And he had used teachable moments to shape my understanding of how life works. One great thing about teachable moments is that they are spontaneous. That means you can use them to pass along key truths without taking the reins or dominating a situation. You simply talk with your kids about what happened, what they’re feeling, and what they might do differently next time. But, again, this requires you to pay attention and to look for those moments as you walk with your child.

Trust God with your kids

I taught all three of my kids how to drive. And when each of them drove away for the first time, I told them the same thing: I trust you, but I don’t trust anyone else on the road. Thankfully, that’s not how it works with God. We serve an awesome heavenly Father who loves our kids more than we ever could. If you multiplied your desire to see your son or daughter prosper by 10 million, you’d only be scratching the surface of God’s care and plans for them. So, you can trust Him. You don’t have to be in control because, ultimately, He is in control. Of course, you have to teach your kids right from wrong, but once you’ve trained them in the way they should go, you can rely on God to make sure they don’t depart from those paths (Proverbs 22:6).

Give them some rope

Several years ago, I heard the illustration of “the rope” for the first time. A dad compared teaching his kids about independence to tying an imaginary rope around their waists. When they made good choices, he gave them a little more rope. If they made poor decisions, he would take in the slack for a little while.

When the time came for them to head to college, he knew his “rope” wouldn’t stretch that far. But he also knew that he had raised independent, godly kids. They would always have a seat at his table, but they were ready for the world. So, he could untie the rope with confidence.

That’s the goal. That’s where we all want to be. But it doesn’t happen by accident. It takes intentional time and focus. If you’re tempted to do everything for your kids, it’s understandable. But it’s still dangerous.

Seek God’s wisdom and trust His guidance. He will teach you how to teach your kids, and He will help you lead them toward proper independence.