Like most parents, I desperately wanted to know how to motivate my kids when they were younger. Eventually, I realized that pushing, pleading, and threatening wasn’t the answer. So I started repeating a phrase they probably still hear in their sleep, even as young adults.
Do what you have to do, so you can do what you want to do!
Honestly, I don’t know if my wisdom made any difference, but it made me feel better. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to motivate kids with a magic phrase—just like it’s impossible to motivate them with threats and bribes.
As parents, we’ve got to figure out a better way. But first, we have to figure out what motivation is all about.
What motivates your child?
Studies on motivating children can lead down any number of rabbit holes. But, to keep things simple, let’s focus on the two basic kinds of motivation children can experience: intrinsic and extrinsic.
Intrinsic motivation is what we all wish we had more of. It’s that deep-down “love of the game” kind of motivation. It makes accomplishing a task feel like a day at the park because we love what we’re doing. Intrinsic motivation is behind the old cliché that if you really love your job, you’ll never work a day in your life.
In contrast, extrinsic motivation comes from the outside. It reminds us that, while we may not love this task, we will somehow benefit from it in the end. It’s not bad or evil. It’s just not as fun. Extrinsic motivation lies behind my reminder to my kids that good things wait on the other side of finishing the job at hand.
Apply some Do’s and Don’ts
As you might expect, the goal for parents is to move kids toward intrinsic motivation, even though a lot of situations require extrinsic motivation. Either way, parents can learn to motivate their children in a way that will set them up for success in adulthood. To do that, start with a few basics. Here are three things you can do as a parent to motivate your child—and a contrasting “don’t” you should avoid.
DO: Let your kid’s curiosity lead the way. Babies are born with a boatload of intrinsic motivation. They explore everything! That curiosity increases as they grow and learn problem-solving skills. Use that to your benefit by letting your child explore what interests them. While some things have to be done, leave room for them to pursue their passions and to work on their strengths.
DON’T: Exert live vicariously through your child. Square pegs don’t fit into round holes, no matter how hard a parent pushes. Unfortunately, a lot of us are guilty of trying to relive our past glories through our kids. The simple fact is, that we can’t motivate kids to live out someone else’s dreams.
DO: Work with your child to set goals. Researchers tell us the key is setting goals that will stretch your child but are still within reach. Setting the bar too low will leave a kid bored while setting it too high will create frustration. Goals should also be adapted as your child matures. Just remember, this is a team effort, so give your child freedom to define goals and to determine how it’s reached.
DON’T: Offer too many rewards. For one thing, behavior changed by rewards rarely lasts, and you really need to focus on habits your child can carry into adulthood. Even more important, though, incentives reduce the power of intrinsic motivation. Generally, kids will lose some of their joy and satisfaction if they are only working for a reward.
DO: Stay involved throughout the process. Personal involvement lets your child know that you care and adds encouragement to the equation. It also aligns with biblical principles that challenge us to raise children with intentionality (Deuteronomy 6:4-9,20-25) and to avoid creating a negative environment (Ephesians 6:4).
DON’T: Try to manipulate your kids. A parent’s goal should be to have a true connection with their kids so they can inspire them, not take control of their goals. Again, kids will never be motivated by something forced upon them. Honestly, the worst thing a parent can do is imply (even unintentionally) that they will somehow be disappointed if their child’s performance somehow falls short. Our message should simply be that we are proud of them for their efforts and that we are taking joy in seeing them grow through the process.
Motivate your child with intentionality and persistence
Obviously, intrinsic motivation is great, but many assignments our kids will face—both now and in the future—require extrinsic motivation. After all, we all have to do things we don’t enjoy. So, how do we motivate our children for those tasks?
Start by the struggle is real. Kids are smart, and trying to pretend every job is a bed of roses just weakens your credibility. At the same time, remind your child that the struggle is worth it. If your kids can see the benefit, they will be more likely to buy into the process.
They may not like it, but they can understand it. And that will motivate them to finish the job.
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