When my kids were young, I often told them that “words mean things.” I wanted them to be careful about what they said and how they said it. The same works for parents. Your words matter, and there are definitely things you should never say to your child.
Sticks and stones
You know the old rhyme about sticks and stones breaking bones while words never harm us? You also know that this is a lie. Words can create a tremendous amount of damage. That’s why we have to identify things we should never say to our kids. Even a small slip of the tongue can create a world of hurt and insecurity.
That’s why the Bible has so much to say about our tongues and our speech. For example, Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that a gentle answer can quench anger, but harsh words just add fuel to the fire. Then, in the book of James, we see that our tongues can be compared to a wildfire that burns out of control and destroys everything in its path (James 3:6).
Like a bit in a horse’s mouth or a rudder on a ship, this little part of the body carries tremendous power (James 3:3-5).
Knowing What Not to Say
It’s probably not too hard to come up with things that we should say to our kids more often. We understand the power of compliments and praise in our own lives, so we can translate that into the lives of our kids.
But knowing things we should never say to our child can be much tougher. In the heat of the moment, we lose our cool. Anger gets the best of us, and we say something we later regret. Or, even in moments of relative peace, we pick at our kids and tease them, even though what seems funny to us can leave scars on their hearts and minds.
The list below identifies fifteen things you should never say to your child. Evaluate your words and even the unspoken messages you might be sending through actions or body language. Use this as an opportunity to learn from your past mistakes and to chart a new course for the future.
15 Things You Should Never Say to Your Kid
“That’s dumb.”
This is definitely something that you should never say to your child. Even if you think what your kids did wasn’t the best move, remember that they often personalize it and hear “You’re dumb.”
“You’ll never . . . “
Your kids might need some help, or they may need to mature a little more before they can accomplish a task. But “never” is a long time, so you don’t want to kill a dream before it gets started.
“Why can’t you be more like . . .”
This always involves a negative comparison, which can rip the heart out of a child. Focus on your child’s strengths, not how he or she fails to measure up in comparison to someone else.
“I don’t have time . . .”
Again, you never want to say this to your child. You never want to give the impression that you don’t have time for your kid. You may need to work through an alternate plan, but don’t dismiss time with your kids out of hand.
“That’s not good enough.”
Similar to other things you should avoid, this phrase has the tendency to be misinterpreted. It’s not a long jump for kids to go from “that’s not good enough” to “I’m not good enough.”
“You’re a disappointment.”
Let’s be real . . . sometimes, your kids will disappoint you. But you have to help them see the difference between actions that disappoint (which can be redeemed) and wearing the label of a disappointment (which is a burden). Like a lot of things, how you say something is just as important as what you say.
“Don’t be such a baby.”
Your children’s greatest desire is for you to see them as valuable and capable. By comparing them to a baby—or otherwise focusing on a particular weakness—you’re communicating something very different. This is something you never want to say to your child because it’s not true and the pain it causes can be devastating.
“What were you thinking?”
Honestly, your kids might not have been thinking clearly when they did something. After all, they are young and inexperienced. As my friend often reminds me, frontal lobes are not fully developed. Don’t expect what your kids can’t deliver at this stage of their lives.
“Just wait until we get home!”
This phrase usually relates to discipline in some way. But instead of putting it off, it’s often better to deal with the situation in the moment. If you can keep your emotions in check, you can often offer a course correction in real-time. Then, you can expand on the conversation once you do get home.
“You’ll never amount to much.”
Admittedly, most parents would never say this to their kids in normal circumstances. But there may be times when you wonder it in your heart. And that can affect the way you act toward your child. Remember, body language and unspoken messages are dangerous too. So, never say or think it! Focus on the positives and strengths your child can build on.
“You’ve gone too far.”
This is something you should never say to your child because it implies an “unforgivable sin” of some sort. Yes, your kids will push you to the limits, but you should never suggest that they could somehow lose your love.
“You can be anything you want.”
Our culture has been maligned as an “everybody gets a trophy” society. As a parent, you’ve got to navigate the delicate balance between realistic expectations and fluffy platitudes. Remind your children that God has a plan for them. And, while they may not be able to do everything in life, He will equip them to fulfill the mission He has for them.
“What do others think of us when you. . .”
We’ve all been “that parent” in church or in a store, the one with the crying baby or fidgeting child. After a while, we start worrying more about what others think of us as parents than how to really help our kids. This is something you should never say to your children. Don’t make them bear the weight of your own insecurity. And, by the way, most of the people around you understand because they’ve been there too!
“Let me do it!”
Sometimes, as a parent, we get in a hurry. Enlisting the help of our kids can mean things won’t get done quite as quickly as we had hoped. But remember that you’re preparing your children for self-reliance. Taking something out of their hands because of your impatience tells them that they can’t be trusted to do things on their own. It robs them of the pride that comes from independence and a job done well.
“Because I said so.”
Kids come with questions; and when it comes to providing answers, this is something you never want to say to your child. Take the time to explain what needs to be done and why. Even though it can be exasperating, it’s better than simply pulling rank and leaving them in the dark.
Find a better way
You may be able to think of other things you should never say to your child. As God leads you, lean into the opportunity to change the culture around your family. You won’t regret it.
But what about those times when you really do need to say something to your child? How do you make sure you’re not crossing a line? The best answer for that is to take a beat and to think before you speak. With some thought and practice, you can find alternative ways to say the same things to your children. You can get the same message across without using words and tones that will tear them down.
This is also a good place to put the “Golden Rule” to work. If you need to have a hard conversation with your child, think about how you would want someone to approach you on the subject. A little thought ahead of time can keep you from drifting into things you should never say to your child.
