“How do I overcome lust?” Words like this come to my email inbox all too frequently. To be honest, it’s why I put my email in most of my posts. Sure, you won’t click like, share or comment on a post about porn. But I see your clicks—and I read your emails.

 

Now, I’ve tweaked this readers’ words for privacy. But, as I was writing my reply, it hit me. This isn’t from one guy out on an island—struggling all by himself. This is from the church-goin’ husband and dad. This could be you. This could be me. 

 

Satan is real and he loves the dark and silent. So let’s shed light and not keep the sin of lust quiet. God is also real. He loves you and is more powerful than this or any sin. Let’s get to work.

 

Since writing the 7 Deadly Sins of a Disengaged Dad eBook, my thoughts have been confirmed. Dads struggle with sin. Well, duh, right? Great, you have a pulse. You sin. End of story.

 

Not so quick—here’s the deal. While we struggle with all sin in general, some sins have more dire consequences. Gluttony is sin. And as much as it can wreak havoc on a life and points to many issues related to greed, the overweight dad—generally speaking—isn’t at risk of losing his wife and family over too many trips to the buffet.

 

In this post, I want to give you the answers I gave the dad who emailed me. My hope is you’ll find this post a helpful reminder and have something you can share with a brother you know who’s struggling to overcome lust.

 

 

Here’s the email I received about the sin of lust (revised for privacy). 

Ryan, 

Early in my life I was exposed to porn and given approval by father telling my mother, “he’s no punk, what do you expect”. I heard that conversation and ran with it. At the time, I was craving my dad’s approval and attention. I became addicted to porn as a result. In 20XX, my current wife learned I was looking at porn. …. In 20XX, instead of porn, it became real. I had an affair. I didn’t tell her (wife), but she found out. We have been separated since then. My question is I find myself looking at women, what should I do? —Dad

 

 

Here’s my reply of combatting the sin of lust: 

Dad,

First, thank you for your email. I appreciate your openness and honesty in sharing and emailing me. As you already know from experience, this sin isn’t a Do-these-5-things-and-be-free-of-the-sin type issue. It’s a heart issue—a lifestyle issue.

That said, you are correct to look to Scripture. I’ll give you a few Scriptures to meditate on that will help overcome lust. Beyond this, my encouragement would be to do the following things in hopes of changing your lifestyle so much that God ultimately changes your mind and heart:

#1 Memorize God’s Word.

Make small memory cards and carry them around with you. Meditate on them day and night. Start with the Scriptures below. Remember that true wisdom, joy, peace, love—these things come from God and His Word.

Here’s the clincher—ready for it? Things good things ONLY come from God and His Word. What is lust and how can you fight it? By filling your heart with God’s Word. Often, and in my experience, our fun is found in things not of God. Then, after time goes by, we wonder why we’re suffering consequences.

Psalm 119:9 > How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping Your word. 

Hebrews 4:12 > For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

#2 Pray and set boundaries.

Pray and ask God where He might reveal to you sin you don’t even see currently. Try the who/what/when/where method of establishing boundaries.

 

 

  • Who > Is there a certain group of folks you hang with who aren’t helping point you to God?
  • What > Discern what the sin actually is. Are you looking at pornography all day? Are you thinking about porn all day? What’s the emotion and action tied to the sin?
  • When > Do you find yourself more likely to commit this sin when your tired from a long day. Again, no excuse, but you’re figuring out, from understanding this—you can start to set up parameters. Maybe it’s as simple as not watching certain shows on Netflix after a certain hour.
  • Where > Think about it. Where is the sin taking place?  Depending on your answer, you can take a step back and consider how to not put yourself in that situation.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 > The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable–who can understand it? I, the LORD, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve.

#3 Find a men’s group for help in overcoming the sin of lust.

You expected this one from me. But, are you doing it? I’m assuming you have a church you attend. If not, get one. If you have one, dig in and find a group you can be authentic in — for accountability, continual learning, for not feeling isolated and for strength.

#4 Fill your heart with godly things.

Scripture, worship songs, sermons, interviews from godly people and on godly topics. Understand that pornography is a problem, but the sin of lust has more to do with the heart and taking every thoughts captive. Trash in—trash out. Understanding this as a heart issue and responsibility to learn to love and worship God is vital to overcome lust. Resist the urge of thinking you’re the lone victim and you can’t overcome it. You can, because of Christ.

Practice learning to find joy in what God gets pleasure from. This used to sound lame to me as a young church kid. But, the older I get, the more, when I’m at my best, I see God in everything and thank Him for it. The sunrise. Breath in my lungs. Another day. I’ve even recently found some worship music I’ll listen to and worship God during the day. All of this comes from God. Once you’re grateful, you can find joy more easily. From real joy comes worship—not sin.

#5 Seek wise counsel.

Beyond a men’s group, connect with guys in your church who can mentor you — maybe it’s the pastor or another church leader. Maybe it’s a local business guy you see at church and pass by without talking to most Sunday’s. But reach out and seek a relationship with the guy who seems to be “doing things right”. Find a few of these guys and start asking questions and learning from them.

#6 Combat the sin of lust by mentoring other men.

Your readiness to do this is between you, God and the folks nearest you. But, at some point in your walk, allow God to use you and your struggle to constantly stay humble and point yourself and others back to God and His Word.

This list isn’t exhaustive by any means. But, they are things I think are vital to starting a lifestyle change for you. My hope for everyone who reads this post is this: May God dwell in you, my dear brothers. Reach out to me anytime. But please, work to do the handful of things I’ve mentioned along with learning to worship and meditate on God and His goodness. Together we can overcome lust through accountability and pursuit of the Lord.

I truly believe when we know God and His ways, and what He did by sending His son for us, there is power not only overcome lust—but all sin. I believe that. That is my hope. My hope is not ultimately in man—but in God. May you know God so well that to knowingly sin seems crazy.

Now, for dads reading this, if you aren’t struggling to overcome lust, odds are your son is or will be. What are you doing to put your son on solid ground? I recommend Clean Hearts—teaching your son what purity in all areas of life looks like and how to be ready for good work.

Here are the Scriptures you should commit to memory and meditate on constantly to help overcome the sin of lust.

Hebrews 4:12 > 

For the word of God is living and effective and sharper than any double-edged sword, penetrating as far as the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow. It is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Jeremiah 17:9-10 > 

The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable–who can understand it? I, the LORD, examine the mind, I test the heart to give to each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve.

Psalm 101:3-4 >

I will not set anything worthless before my eyes. I hate the practice of transgression; it will not cling to me. 4 A devious heart will be far from me; I will not be involved with evil.

Psalm 119:9 > 

How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping Your word. 

Proverbs 4:23-27 >

Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life. 24 Don’t let your mouth speak dishonestly, and don’t let your lips talk deviously. 25 Let your eyes look forward; fix your gaze straight ahead. 26 Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established. 27 Don’t turn to the right or to the left; keep your feet away from evil.

Matthew 5:27-28 >

You have heard that it was said, Do not commit adultery. 28 But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Matthew 15:19 > 

For from the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, sexual immoralities, thefts, false testimonies, blasphemies.

Galatians 5:16-18 >  

I say then, walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is against the Spirit, and the Spirit desires what is against the flesh; these are opposed to each other, so that you don’t do what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

Colossians 3:5-7 >

Therefore, put to death what belongs to your worldly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desire, and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, God’s wrath comes on the disobedient, 7 and you once walked in these things when you were living in them.

2 Timothy 2:22 >  

Flee from youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

1 John 2:15-16 > 

Do not love the world or the things that belong to the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in him. 16 For everything that belongs to the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one’s lifestyle—is not from the Father, but is from the world.

Additional resources for combatting the sin of lust: