How to Remove Doubt: 2 faulty fixes you should avoid at all cost

In this post we look at how to remove doubt and 2 faulty fixes to avoid. Whatever standard you’ve used to make yourself Father of the Year, you’ve probably fallen short. But don’t wallow in a pool of regret and self-pity; climb out and make things right. After all, you’re a man. You’re a dad. And what do dads do? We fix things!

In case you need a refresher, I previously wrote about Removing Doubt: why our expectations are wrong and how to fix them and Manhood Journey created several Field Guides to help you with other topics you may struggle with.

Now, if you ever watched Home Improvement, you know there’s a right way to fix things and there’s Tim Taylor’s way to fix things. If you’ve ever tried to fix something with nothing more than duct tape, you know that sometimes you can make matters worse. Recovering from our mistakes and regrets certainly takes more than WD-40 and duct tape.

Let me point to two “fixes” we need to avoid.

1. The comparison test.

To wake up one morning and say, “I’m going to start being more like________” will end with you going to bed at night feeling like a failure. We’ve already seen the fallacy of placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves, and the comparison test is simply creating another expectation with someone else’s face on it.

It’s good to have a role model. It’s even better to have a role model who will walk alongside you, challenge you, pray with you, encourage you and occasionally give you a spiritual kick in the pants when you need it. But don’t look at someone from a distance and hold them up as the poster boy for Perfect Parenting.

You’ve created another false standard you can’t meet.

Social media fuels the comparison test. Multiple studies in Forbes and Psychology Today have pointed to a link between social media and depression and low self-esteem. These feelings are triggered by “social comparison.”

This can happen as we follow the lives of those with more friends or followers and those who appear more attractive. But the key factor is people tend to only post the best about their lives.

• We post photos of us on our best days, not when our complexion looks like the dark side of the moon or we’re wearing that ratty T-shirt we bought in 1998.
• We post pictures of that exquisite dinner at a nice restaurant, not the bowl of Fruit Loops we ate while binge-watching Netflix.
• We post about the happy events; we rarely post about the mundane routine of our lives.

You do it. And, your friends do it. So, depression kicks in for many of us because all we’re seeing is the “highlight reels” of others’ lives. When we’re struggling with regrets over our own parenting skills, the “highlight reels” on Facebook of fathers and sons having an absolutely great time together only fuels our struggles—who am I compared to that? I can’t measure up.

The only way to succeed at the comparison game is to compare yourself to the right fathers—more accurately, the wrong fathers. Compare yourself to the dads who are never at home or are abusive! I may not the best dad I should be, but at least I’m not like that! I’m being facetious, of course, because even a statement like that belies a sense of failure and regret.

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