Knowing the right questions to ask your kids is a struggle for many dads. It boils down to how you truly connect with our kids. It can seem like an impossible task, especially with teenagers! But, there is a simple skill you can master that tears down relational walls and builds your relationship with your children.

I want to look at what we’re doing as dads that simply doesn’t work, how Jesus asked questions, and then I’ll leave you with some practical suggestions of questions that are more engaging than, “How was your day?”

 

“Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” 14 And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” 15 He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” 16 Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” 17 And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven.” —Matthew 16:13-17

 

Admit it: you don’t have good questions to ask your kids.

Have you ever asked her children the question, “How was your day?” What do they say?

Hang on. Yeah, I can hear you through the interwebs. I can hear you say, “Fine.” You ask that question and then you go to bed later with your wife. And, I know you, you complain, “Ah, your children never open up. They never say more than one or two words. They grunt. They don’t ever tell you what’s really going on. You can’t connect with them.”

Well, my friend, you know I love you. But, your question stinks. It’s a lousy, boring, uninteresting, unengaging question—and you deserve the answer, “Fine.”

I want to hammer this subject of asking better questions home. Why? Because it solves several of the top issues dads tell us they struggle with. You tell us you struggle with:

  • feeling like a failure
  • like you can’t connect
  • like you don’t communicate well with your older children
  • you say don’t know how to lead well

Most if not all of those things get solved when we ask better questions.

 

How Jesus asked questions.

Jesus asked questions that peered into the soul. Let’s dive into just one moment in Jesus’ life when He asked two simple questions. In Matthew 16:13 we see, “Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, He asked His disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?”

Jesus simply asked the question, “Who does everybody say the Son of Man is?” Some said John the Baptist others said Elijah, others said Jeremiah.

He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.” Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven.”

Jesus asked, by some estimates, more than 300 questions in His ministry. Why did He ask so many questions?

Because He knew it caused us to use a part of our brain we don’t normally use. It caused us to disclose things we don’t normally disclose.

Jesus knew the power of asking questions. He simply asks, “Who do people say that I am?” I mean what’s that—seven or eight words? He’s getting information. The whole time they’re talking—He’s getting information. Then, He takes information and turns it into something personal. “Who do YOU say I am?”

Now, I’m not suggesting you go to your teenage daughter and ask her these two questions: “Who do folks say I am?” Who do YOU say I am?” I’m not sure you’ll like those answers.

What I am saying is this: we can use Jesus’ approach. For example, what if you went to your teenager and said, “Hey, what’s going on out there—what are people talking about at school? What are the hot topics these days?” They might answer sports or music or entertainment—who knows. Whatever you get is what you get.

But, then you’ve got clay to work with. You can mold that. Then you start asking, “What do YOU think about those things?”

I guarantee that if you just take those two questions and you get topical input from your children and then you dive into personal beliefs about the topics—it’s going to be way better than, “How was your day?”

Nine (9) better questions to ask your kids than “How was your day?”

Now that you know how not to ask questions and how Jesus handled questions, it’s time you put all of this into practice. We gotta learn how to ask better questions. Below are nine questions to get you started.

Question #1: Tell me the biggest highlight of your day today? Why did you like it?

Question #2: Which of your friends made you laugh the most during school today? What did they do that was so funny?

Question #3: What kind of things are the kids at school talking about? What do you think about X (topic kids are discussing)?

Question #4: What was the hardest thing you faced today? How did you handle it?

Question #5: Who’s your favorite music artist? Why do you enjoy them?

Question #6: What’s the most popular thing on YouTube right now? Why do you think people like it?

Question #7: Did anyone do something during school today that encouraged you? What was it?

Question #8: Is there anyone at school that you think needs encouragement? How can you encourage them?

Question #9: What things can I pray about for you as you go to school?

 

 

 

Your mission

You learned in this post at least nine (9) ways you can ask questions better than, “How was your day?” I guarantee that if you use one of the nine suggestions it will cause more dialogue and get you more information from your children than the question, “How was your day?”

So, review the nine suggestions. Put at least one of the suggestions to use. Let me know how it goes. You’re one step away from better conversations by asking better questions.

 

More tools for helping you ask better questions of your kids.

Here are five ways you can get the help you need now and start asking better questions.

  1. Read the post: How to ask better questions in six not-so-easy steps.
  2. Snag the Breaking Barriers Field Guide on pulling your child closer by asking smarter questions.
  3. Get the extra help you need for leading, communicating, and discipling your kids.
  4. Find the resources you need to lead your son or a small group of dads and sons?
  5. Connect with our community of dads all trying to get better at being a godly dad.

 

 

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