How to Discipline a Child Without Yelling? Diffuse Conflict with a Question

Today I again became the referee during a debate between two of my sons. For the most part, they were managing it well. However, it was veering into “he said, he said” territory. I sensed resolution eluding them, so I inserted myself into the discussion with my favorite question. In this post we discuss how to discipline a child without yelling by diffusing conflict with a simple question.

At the end of this post, we’ll chat about the secondary – but perhaps most important – benefit that comes when we help diffuse conflict between kids.

The clarity-bringer

The main question I pushed toward: “What do you want? Right now? As a result of this discussion, what do you want from your brother?”

There were a handful of wants on both sides:

They wanted to be listened to completely without being interrupted.
“I don’t want my brother to ‘force’ chores on me.”
And, “more cooperation when we’re home alone watching our little brothers.”

Rational, fair, and clear requests.

Overcoming tendencies

However, what was getting them off track were two classic behaviors they each tend to exhibit:

One likes to make “always and never” statements. These are always inflammatory and never help. See what I did there? Always and never are tricky words. They’re like sand in the gears of healthy communication.
The other declares a mistrial based on the technicalities. “You said always, and that’s not true!” So, rather than listen and learn, he wants to get off the hook by citing “that one time…”.

Amidst the swirl, I like to inject the “What do you want?” question. It forces each player in the drama to pause for a moment and do some self-reflection. Sometimes, the answers are quite revealing, even unrealistic:

“I want him to do what I say all the time.” (get real)
“I want to not ever be interrupted.” (dream on)

Usually, when we get on the “what do you want” line of questioning, both parties start listening a bit more. Instead of absorbing more “charges” being filed, they’re hearing more needs expressed. This tends to take the temperature in the room down and make the situation more conducive to mutual understanding.

When we diffuse conflict between kids – The best part

Beyond the brotherly resolution, here’s the secondary benefit. And, I’d argue the more important one. This gives them a skill that’ll be quite handy when they’re a husband! I don’t know about you, but when I drop the “always and never” bombs in conversations with my lovely bride, it usually gets us off track and impedes healthy dialogue.

I told my boys yesterday, “Hey, part of what I’m doing is preparing you for marriage. If you take this same approach with your wife one day, it’ll make for a bumpy ride. I want to help you become a godly husband, and that starts right now.”

As a guy who wants to be an intentional father, I need to be willing to jump into these situations and help my boys learn healthy conflict resolution skills. Short term, this helps them be better brothers (and makes our home more livable!). Long term, it plants seeds for their future marriages.

About the Author: Ryan Sanders

Ryan Sanders is the Director of Outreach at Manhood Journey. He is married to Tonia and they have three children. He is currently a doctoral student at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary where he received the Master of Divinity. He is a Fellow at The Colson Center for Christian Worldview and serves as Lay Pastor at McLean Bible Church in Washington, D.C.