I’ve spent more than three decades working with parents and teenagers as a layman in church settings. And I’ve raised three kids of my own. So, I know that parenting is a battle, and I understand that the struggle of discovering how to talk to teenagers is all too real. 

As a parent, talking to your teen might be proving harder than you imagined. The shift from childhood to adolescence carries its own set of challenges. As they stretch their wings and search for greater independence, teenagers naturally push back against the structures of their earlier years—and that includes you. In some ways, they want to figure things out for themselves. So, in their minds, that means they have to shut you out.

With our heads, we can understand that. We might even remember doing it ourselves when we were their age. But, for a parent struggling to communicate with their teens, knowing doesn’t make it any easier.

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“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Proverbs 22:6

Don’t lose hope

If you’re wrestling with how to talk to teenagers in your house, I’ve got a couple of pieces of good news for you. First of all, things will get better. The awkward conversations and the extended periods of silence will pass in time. It might take a while, but things will get back to a level of “normal.” It won’t be exactly the same, but, in the long run, it usually turns out better.

Second, you haven’t lost your kids just because you’re having trouble communicating with your teens. In reality, they need you more than ever during this confusing and chaotic season of life. Yes, they may be trying to keep you at arm’s length; but, down deep, they still long for the security of knowing you’re there for them. So, while you may have to dance around the edges more than before, your presence and support are still vital for their growth and development.

5 Methods for Talking With Teenagers

Hopefully, you can take comfort in the strange paradox that your child’s efforts to shut you out are really cries for you to stay close. It’s one of the most powerful principles you can remember when learning how to talk to teenagers.

The truth is, you can still initiate meaningful conversations with teenagers—and it may not be as hard as you think. The list below provides five basic principles for communicating with teens. They’ve stood the test of time, and they can work for you as you discover how to talk to the teenagers under your roof.

1. Talk, don’t preach

It’s true that your teenagers may not be as talkative as they used to be. That’s why you’ve got to make the most of the chances you get. Your natural inclination might be to “straighten them out” or provide an information dump of “helpful” advice. Do your best to fight that urge. Instead, look for common ground, a safe space where healthy conversations can happen.

Communicating with teens means meeting them where they are. Don’t prepare a sermon. Facilitate a conversation. If you want to know how to talk to teenagers well, aim for their heart. It will make a huge difference. 

2. Keep asking questions

Think about your own conversations. If you’re like most people, you appreciate individuals who ask you questions and show interest in your life. They’re a breath of fresh air compared to the folks who only talk about themselves. Well, you should talk to teenagers the way you want people talking to you.

Learning how to talk to teenagers works the same way. Ask questions, even if they only produce one-syllable grunts or short-answer responses. Just make sure these are questions that encourage your teen to make a heart connection. And let them ask you questions, too. Those could be about life or even questions about God, but they all can spark meaningful opportunities to talk with your teens. And, by the way, “I don’t know” is an acceptable answer that teens will accept.

3. Be comfortable with silence

As odd as it might seem, you can say a lot with a little silence. If a question is asked and answered, you might need to let the moment breathe a little before moving to the next question. Moving too fast can lead your teens to raise their defenses. Like the tortoise and the hare, slow and steady wins the race when it comes to knowing how to talk to teenagers.

Admittedly, this is a tough ask. Sitting in silence is an art form that has to be mastered by practice. Since most people are uncomfortable with stillness, few get it right the first time. But resist the temptation to say something just because the quiet makes you nervous. Again, teens want the security that comes from your presence more than anything. So, being comfortable with silence speaks volumes when you’re talking to your teenager.

4. Make talking a part of doing

I’m a big fan of taking advantage of teachable moments as a parent. But, as mentioned earlier, you don’t want to hit “sermon mode.” Knowing how to talk to teens means finding a balance between making the most of teachable moments and preaching at them.

One great tool I discovered when my kids were teens is the power of talking while doing. It’s the best of both worlds because you’re talking with them while spending quality time with them. For example, some of the best conversations I ever had with my teenagers came when I was teaching them to drive. Their defenses were down because they were focused on the task at hand, and that made it easier to have meaningful conversations with them. 

5. Finally, just be real

Teenagers might not say much, but they have an incredible “radar” that lets them see through false motives and insincerity. So, if you’re going to discover how to talk with teens, you’ve got to be genuine. Even the slightest hint of hypocrisy or ulterior motives will shut them down.

One way to make sure you’re honest is to focus on the relationship. As a dad, you want the best for your son or daughter. And that should be the motive for any time you’re communicating with your teenager. Before you say anything involving words, assure them that you are their biggest fan through your actions. Do that, and they’ll know you’re real.

Slow cookers and microwaves

As noted, it is possible to learn how to talk to teenagers in a meaningful way. The ideas in the list will help tremendously, but it also helps if you can avoid getting in a rush.

I like to think of it in terms of using a slow cooker instead of a microwave. Make no mistake, we live in a microwave culture. We want to push a couple of buttons and have the food cooked by the time we get back from turning on the television. We live for instant gratification.

But learning how to talk to teens is not about microwaves. It’s a slow cooker. It takes time. It takes a father like you in prayer. And it takes patience. It requires settling in for the long haul, not snapping your fingers, and hoping for magic.

Communicating with teens is a process, but it’s definitely worth the wait.

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