How to deal with a child that doesn't listen.

Knowing how to deal with a child that doesn’t listen is tough. I hear this from dads all the time: “My kids just won’t listen to me.”

Have you ever felt that way? I’ve talked with dads from around the world. I know this is a common challenge. If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone.

I have one question for you: Are you a talker or a listener?

Are you a talker or a listener?

Now, it’s tempting to blame this on your kids’ age or personality type.

“You know, teenagers…” or “He’s a quiet kid…” Maybe some of that’s true as our kids grow and change. Every kid’s different. I get it.

But here’s what I’ve found in raising five boys and working with many dads—most of us are talking, and talking, and talking, and talking…and rarely ever listen well. We must learn to talk so our kids will listen. We continue engaging our teen using the same methods we did when they were little children.

I’d like to encourage you to NOT give in to these temptations.

Just because your kids may be teens doesn’t mean they’re going to ignore everything you say.
Just because they’re introverts doesn’t mean your kids won’t open up.
Just because they’re extroverts doesn’t mean they won’t ever stop talking long enough to really listen.

Don’t be the dad who blames poor communication on the children. Instead, let me offer you an idea straight from Proverbs 20:5.

The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out. —Proverbs 20:5

But a man of understanding will draw it out.

…but a man of understanding draws it out…interesting. Might we find how to deal with a child that doesn’t listen from this verse?

If you think about that verse in context, getting water wasn’t easy back in that day, right?

You and I head to the nearest faucet, turn it on, and we get fresh water. But they had to have a giant bucket they had to walk down to the river or to the well—point is—there was effort required on the part of the water getter.

That’s a lot like how we need to deal with our children as they age. The person getting the water had to reach down to get the water. It takes effort.

The challenge we often have as fathers is that don’t make the shift from parenting little boys and girls to parenting teenagers. When our kids are young, we just tell them how it’s gonna be.

Stay out the street.
Do your homework.
Don’t talk to your mom that way.

But, as our kids age, we need to ASK them more questions. We need to ask them how life is.

By ask, I don’t mean, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!” Although I’ve probably said that one before. I mean the kind of questions that draw out the desires of their heart.

As dads, we gotta make this shift. When we ask thoughtful questions and sincerely listen to their answers, we find that “communication problems” are fewer and fewer in between.

Your Mission

Get better at asking questions. Download the Busy Dad Cheatsheet and run through it. It has five (5) quick-win questions—just pick one and get going.

Just start. Then, you’ll see if you can improve the dialogue in your home by asking better questions. I think you can.