3 steps to take when you've messed up with your wife Manhood Journey

Knowing how to ask for forgiveness from your wife isn’t the easiest thing in the world. When my wife and I had only been married for around five years, I was running a small consulting firm. One of my big clients was Brian. Now, during this season of life, I was notorious for not tackling home projects. Stuff would sit on my “honey-do” list for months for various reasons. I was lazy, forgetful, unsure how to do some of the tasks‚ and so I procrastinated.

The bottom line: I didn’t get stuff done. Eventually, my wife called me on the carpet. The piercing dagger penetrated when she said, “You know what? If Brian had asked you to do something, it would’ve been done. Why are his requests more important than mine?” Ouch. Maybe you’re like me. Do you listen more at work than you listen at home? Here’s how to ask for forgiveness from your wife after you’ve messed up.

Step 1: Apologize quickly

When you’re “caught” like I was with my wife, the natural reaction is to

deflect
hide
angrily defend yourself

Thankfully, by God’s grace, for this one moment, I had enough sense not to do any of that. I simply apologized.

Now, do you how to ask for forgiveness from your wife, really? A great start is to simply say, “I’m sorry.” You apologize by saying, in my case, “I’m sorry for not listening to you as well as I have been listening to folks at work.”

Did you hear that? I didn’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” or “I’m sorry that I’m trying to work hard to put a roof over our heads…” All bad apologies. Actually, they aren’t apologies at all. Resist the urge to place blame or make excuses for your behavior. Those “apologies” are all sleep-on-the-sofa-worthy responses.

Note, in the rightful, caring tone, you can apologize quickly. But, how can you truly seek forgiveness? Let’s break it down step by step.

Step 2: Seek forgiveness

Seeking forgiveness has a few parts. First, it’s your job to seek to understand your wife. You might ask questions like: “How exactly did I hurt you. How did that make you feel?”

Next, you’ll want to empathize with your wife by saying something like: “I understand that made you feel _________.”

Once you’ve heard what your wife has to say, it’s time to admit the wrong you’ve done. Consider saying something like: “I was wrong. I shouldn’t have neglected the things you’ve been asking for me to do.”

Now, it’s crucial here to repent—to actually say the words, “I’m sorry I haven’t been listening to you as much as I’ve been listening to my boss at work. I don’t want to keep doing this.”

Lastly, take time to ask for forgiveness. Literally say the words, “Will you forgive me?” I’m telling you, if you do this well, with the right intentions—your wife will listen. Just trust me. But, also know, your wife will see through any dishonesty. She’ll know if you mean what you’re saying or not. This brings me to step three.

Step 3: Actually improve

Now, true repentance isn’t just words, right? You know this from church. I could say all of the right things, at the right time, with the right tone. And, honestly, April (my wife) might forgive me on the spot. She’s nice like that. But, the truth comes that night, the next day, weeks later…by my actions. If you never talked about the thing you did wrong again, would she notice a difference if asked?

April and I recently celebrated our 25th anniversary. There are still more things on the lists than I can ever complete, but they’re no longer ignored. My wife knows her words are more important to me than those of anyone else.

Manhood Journey Mission

Ask your wife if she believes you take her words, requests, and needs as seriously as your boss at work. Brace for impact, and if needed, simply apologize and commit to doing things differently in the future.

Going forward, lean on Philippians 2:3-4: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”