If you’ve been a parent for any length of time, the question has resonated in your brain: How do you discipline a child who won’t listen? It’s a fair question—and one that every parent wrestles with on a regular basis.
In public or private, even the best of kids can demonstrate a stubborn streak. They can ignore what you’re telling them and go their own way. It’s simply part of the human condition, a result of our sinful nature.
But that doesn’t mean finding a solution is a pipe dream. The key is understanding the right and wrong ways to discipline your kids. This is not necessarily punishment, though that will likely play a role in the process. This is training. In the words of Proverbs 22:6, this is raising children in a way that will transform their lives forever.
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
5 ways to deal with a child who won’t listen.
One issue with a child who refuses to listen is the impact their behavior has on you. That’s especially true if your kid decides to have a meltdown in a store, a restaurant, or (maybe worst of all) a church event. You feel the eyes of the world focused on you. You’re sure everyone is judging you, which makes you feel like a failure.
Well, let me assure you: you are not a failure. I’ve been there, and I know the struggle is real. But I also know that every other parent in the room understands. They’ve all tried to find the missing piece of the puzzle. They’ve asked the question, how do you discipline a child who won’t listen?
Most people are much more sympathetic than you might expect. So, don’t worry about them. Focus on teaching your kids a better way to act. The list below includes five practical things you can do to train your kids to be better listeners. It may take some time, but these ideas will get you—and your child—moving in the right direction.
1. Set appropriate boundaries.
Kids will naturally push the limits in their relationships with authorities, whether it’s teachers at school or parents at home. That’s what makes setting boundaries so important to disciplining a child who won’t listen. You establish the rules ahead of time and stick to them, even as they try to whittle away at the lines you’ve drawn.
In setting boundaries, it’s important to keep two things in mind. First, the guidelines need to be age-appropriate. Otherwise, your kids won’t connect the discipline with the wrongdoing. Second, it’s all right to let them speak into the boundaries. While you have the final say, involving your kids in the process of defining limits and consequences gives them a degree of ownership—and makes it harder for them to argue when the time comes to enforce the rules.
2. Keep your cool.
When a circumstance arises where disciplining your children might be needed, you need to focus on your own response. Anger never solves the problem. It will only escalate the tension, so do what you can to maintain your composure. Follow the biblical example of gentleness to defuse anger (Proverbs 15:1).
Of course, keeping your cool has another benefit when it comes to disciplining kids who won’t listen. It protects you from saying something you shouldn’t say. When you’re frustrated, you’re more likely to hurt your children with your words. Worst case, you’ll tear them down with insults. At best, you’ll try to manipulate them with guilt. Neither is healthy, and neither will discipline your child to obey. So, control your anger and your words, even when your kids are struggling to listen.
3. Invest time during the calmer seasons.
Time is vital to providing security for kids and nurturing a strong relationship with them. Those investments will also help as you discover new ideas for disciplining a child who won’t listen. The connections you create during the calmer moments can pay dividends when the storms hit.
As you think about spending time with your children, remember that you have to make your fatherhood a priority. Quality time doesn’t happen by accident. You have to plan for it. The specifics will look different from kid to kid, but the impact will make a difference in the long run.
4. Reinforce positive behavior.
A common business principle is that you get more of what you affirm. In other words, when you praise certain behaviors, those behaviors will multiply. But this isn’t just true in the workplace. It can be true in your home as well.
One key to knowing how you can discipline a child who won’t listen is catching them doing things the right way and applauding those efforts. More than anything, your children want an emotional connection. If you actively praise obedience (instead of just criticizing disobedience), they will recognize the wisdom of obedience more often. It can take time, but it will help you discipline kids who have trouble listening.
5. Pray for your children.
When all is said and done, becoming a praying father is the most powerful tool you have in your parenting toolbox. Your connection with your heavenly Father defines the connection you will enjoy with your kids. Plus, you need His help and direction. Thankfully, when we lack wisdom, we can ask God and He’ll never hold out on us (James 1:5).
So, spend time praying for your children. Talk to God about the struggles you’ve been facing and ask Him to guide you in the right parenting paths. You can trust Him. He’s a perfect Father even when you drop the ball—and He will never turn you away.
Now, Put On Your Own Listening Ears
Don’t be afraid to look at the example you’re setting. As hard as it is to admit, one reason our kids don’t listen might be that they’ve never been shown how to listen. We don’t spend enough time listening to them, so they struggle with listening to us.
Listening can be a challenge in a culture filled with noise and distractions, but it is a learned skill. Even if you find it hard to slow down and listen, you can get better with practice. Take time to really hear what your kids are saying to you—not just with their words, but also with their hearts. You can ask probing questions to dig a little deeper, but spend most of the time simply listening to them.
Nailing your approach to disciplining a child who won’t listen is an important strategy to get right. Finding that answer won’t be easy, but you can do it. With God’s help and a fair dose of patience, you have what it takes to succeed.
