In this post we will look at 3 things that us dads have to stop believing and teaching to our kids.
“Daddy, I’ve never seen you sin.”
These were the words my oldest son said to me the other day when we were talking about sin.
This was actually a pretty normal conversation in our home. My wife and I are not afraid to speak to our sons and talk about sin—because we believe it is only when they understand their need for grace that they will truly grasp the gospel message.
Here are 3 things dads have to stop believing. Let me explain.
There is no good news without bad news.
Obviously, this talk depends on the age and stage of your child, but my sons, and I mean this as pastorally loving as I can muster, need to know they are dead in their transgressions and sins and are deserving of God’s wrath (Eph. 2:1-3).
It’s against this backdrop that we share the hope of Jesus Christ who “gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own” (Titus 2:14). And yet, when we were talking the other day, my son looked at me and said, “Dad, you sin? I’ve never seen you sin before.”
If I know anything about biblical fatherhood, I know it isn’t perfect—it’s humble and honest. Ever since my son’s incorrect evaluation of me, I’ve thought of three reasons why he might think this way. The following are things dads have to stop believing and teaching our children.
#1 You’re the superhero to your child.
Out of the things dads have to stop believing, this may be one of the harder ones. Up until a certain point in our children’s lives, usually up until the teenage years, they will see us as superheroes. It’s easy to see why. We are older, bigger, stronger, we know all the answers (or pretend like we do) and we protect them.
All of this will lead to children thinking their dad never gets scared, daddy can do anything, and daddy has superhuman strength. Thinking about dad this way is just a normal part of growing up. If we let them think this for very long, then when we will fail them.
When we sin against them, when consequences for our sins have effects on the family, it can be devastating to our children if they are not prepared. They need to hear about our weaknesses, they need to hear we are prone to wander, they need to hear that Ephesians 2:1-3 applies to us too.
Of course, our children don’t need to know everything we’ve ever done. We need to always share with them about our sin on an appropriate level. There are plenty of times when I can own up to something I’ve done. During these moments is when I can show my son I’m in need of God’s grace—just like he is—that I’m in fact a humbled and imperfect. That my true goal is pointing past myself to our Heavenly Father who will never leave him or forsake him. This is being a godly dad. You can learn to use your past for gospel conversations.
#2 You don’t have to ask for forgiveness in front of your child.
How many of you have gone to your knees to look your children in the eyes and confess your sin against them and ask for forgiveness? I have, and it is one of the most humbling things I’ve ever done.
I wish I could say I only needed to do that once. But, of course, there have been many more humbling experiences like that. I also wish I could say I’ve done the right thing every time I’ve sinned against them, but that would be a lie.
In light of what my son said to me, I’m probably not seeking forgiveness enough.
I’m pretty good at calling my sons out for disobedience and pointing out their sin to help correct and train them. And yet, I don’t usually call out my disobedience to God or my sin against my sons.
My prayer is that the Holy Spirit convicts me in those moments and I’m able to confess, repent and seek forgiveness from my sons. This is the opportunity to speak the gospel into their heart and mind. If this becomes a natural part of my days, my sons won’t think daddy doesn’t sin—they’ll also get pointed to how good God’s forgiveness.
#3 You don’t have talk about sin with your child.
This is the most crucial point. Yes, as I’ve matured over the years, I’m able to keep certain sins in check. I can take emotions and not act on them, and I’m not as impulsive as I once was. And yet, my heart, just like theirs, is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9) and out of the overflow of my heart comes sin (Luke 6:45).
If my sons only equate sin with their or my external behaviors and not with the truth that our hearts are what need to be changed, then I haven’t properly discipled them. Fathers, we must show our children that we can sin against God—and what to do when that takes place.
As a father of sons, one of these important heart areas is their purity.
I’m sure for many of us, our sons would never say they see us commit adultery (and that’s good!), but that’s because they are just looking at the outside behavior. Where do our eyes, minds, and heart go when no one is looking? How do we think of women? Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).
Let’s be honest with our sons that lust is a matter of the heart and not just outward behavior. The examples could be multiplied for our children on any numbers of heart issues including anger, hate, gossip, cheating, lying and so on.
The more honest we are about the sin in our lives before our children, the more we’ll be able to highlight the goodness of God in the gospel. The more honest we are about the sin in our lives, the more likely our children will come to us when they see sin in their lives, and, the more honest we are about the sin in our lives—and the more we fight it with the gospel in front of our children—the more they will realize their need of the gospel.
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