Weddings are great. I love watching grooms grin from ear to ear as they see their brides walking down the aisle. I love how dads try to hold it together as they give their daughters away. (Been there, done that, feel your pain!) And I love seeing God bring two lives together into one for His glory.
But here’s the truth. While weddings are great, marriages are tough. In fact, for guys like us, marriages represent a lifelong commitment to become a better husband. Our relationship with our wives is a daily challenge to become the man she needs, to move closer to the best version of ourselves.
If you think you’ve arrived as a husband, you really need to take a deeper look. We all have room for improvement. We all can become better husbands.
Why Put in the Work?
Let’s be honest: Some days, you wonder why you need to become a better husband. You love your wife. You provide for her. You protect her. All in all, you’re not a bad guy. So, why all the fuss about learning and growing as a husband?
Well, the simple answer is, Because God said so. In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul told husbands to love their wives like Jesus loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). When you stop and think about it, few (if any) of us could say we actually meet that minimum standard for husbands!
But it goes deeper than that. Paul was saying that our relationship with our wives isn’t just about us. It’s also about Him. When we love our wives well, we provide a living illustration of who He is and what He wants to do in people’s lives.
As mentioned, marriages are tough. But marriages are also a testimony. As men of God, that should be motivation enough to become better husbands each day.
How’s It Work?
When you stand with your bride before the preacher, you think nothing will ever go wrong. You can’t imagine arguments over the silliest things or little habits that will drive you nuts. It’s going to be smooth sailing simply because you’re in love.
Well, love is awesome; but if your marriage has lasted longer than the honeymoon, you know things can shift on a dime when two people start living as one. So, if you’re going to become a better husband, it’s not going to happen by accident. It’s going to take some intentional effort.
Here are seven practical tips to get you moving in the right direction.
Become a servant
In 2008, a movie called Fireproof introduced husbands to the idea of “the love dare.” Essentially, the film and its companion book taught guys how to become better husbands one day at a time for 40 days. And the key to each day’s step is rooted in an act of service.
When you serve your spouse, you are loving her the way Jesus loves the church. You are sacrificing your desires for her. Women are complicated creatures to be sure, but they all appreciate a man who will serve them out of love, respect, and devotion.
Dive into her love language
Long before Fireproof and The Love Dare, a counselor named Gary Chapman started talking about serving others through what he called The Five Love Languages. Dr. Chapman understood that one of our deepest emotional needs as humans is to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. And each of us receives that love best through one (or two) primary “love languages.” The five love languages include acts of service, gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch.
Your wife has a primary love language. If you want to become a better husband and strengthen your relationship with her, discover that language and learn to speak it fluently. And remember that it’s probably different from your love language, so don’t just “speak” what comes easiest to you. Zero in on what makes her feel loved and run with it!
Don’t stop dating
You probably didn’t meet your wife and propose on the spot. You may have known pretty quickly that she was “the one,” but you waited to pop the question. Otherwise, she would have run to the nearest police station and sought a restraining order. Like a lot of husbands, you probably learned to pursue her by spending time with her.
Eventually, that paid off for you. Unfortunately, too many guys stop dating their wives after a while. They take her for granted and forget that the girl who appreciated being pursued before the wedding still appreciates it today. So, get out of your rut.
My wife and I have been married for more than three decades, and our lives are still pretty busy. But we try to make time for a dinner date at least once a week. It’s rarely anything fancy, but it gives us a chance to catch our collective breath and reconnect. Plus, it means that at least one night a week neither of us have to wonder, “What’s for dinner?” And that’s a gift in itself!
Pray for your wife
I’ll admit that I’m a work in progress when it comes to praying for my wife. As I strive to become the best version of myself, this can be a gap. But I know it’s important, so I’m trying to improve.
Maybe you’re like me. Or maybe you’ve never even thought about praying for your wife. Whatever the case, now is the time to start. If you wonder how to pray, pay close attention when she speaks. You can hear a lot from her heart if you take the time to listen. You also can ask her. It might seem awkward at first, but she will appreciate knowing that you are taking the time to bring her to the Father.
Don’t assume you’re right
One important part of becoming a better husband is learning how to handle conflicts when they arise . . . and they will arise! During those times, you have a choice. You can either let your anger run wild and blame everyone but yourself, or you can evaluate the situation honestly and identify areas where you’re at fault.
Obviously, I’d recommend the second option, and I’d do it for a few good reasons. First, when we surrender to our anger, we’re striking the match to a wildfire. James talked about the dangers of an uncontrolled tongue (James 3:5-8), and it’s just as true when you’re in a conflict with your spouse. Keeping your tongue in check won’t resolve the issue, but it also won’t escalate the tension!
Second, objectively examining your own life reveals cracks in the foundation that might be keeping you from becoming a better husband. It reveals areas of weakness in your life and character, which frees you to seek God’s help for those areas.
Finally, refusing to assume you’re right in an argument allows you to see the best in her. We live in a culture where everyone assumes the worst in one another. It’s a default position that’s way too easy to embrace. Turn conventional wisdom on its ear and assume the best about your wife. She’s not perfect, but neither are you.
Ask for help
It might seem a bit unorthodox, but if you want to be a better husband, ask for your wife’s input. Put your ego aside for a minute and check in with her every once in a while. Give her the freedom to provide some honest, constructive criticism.
Having said that, you need to brace yourself for her response. If your wife is honest, and hopefully she is, her responses might sting a little. But that’s a good thing because now you know what steps to take and what needs improving.
You also can reach out to mentors and friends you trust. Again, their answers might hurt at first, but their insights and experience can make a huge difference in who you become as a man and as a husband.
Renew your mind
When Paul challenged the Romans to be transformed by God through the renewing of their minds (Romans 12:1-2), he wasn’t preaching a new sermon. In fact, the psalmist gave the same basic advice centuries earlier when he said that men protect themselves by focusing on God’s Word (Psalm 119:9-11). And King Solomon wrote that the best way to guard our lives is to guard our hearts above all else (Proverbs 4:23).
We live in a broken world where temptation waits around every corner. Whether it’s on a desktop, a laptop, or a phone in your pocket, you’re never more than a couple of clicks away from content that can destroy your life and ruin your marriage. Guard your mind. Guard your heart. And become a better husband in the process.
Wanting Better Isn’t Enough
If you’re still reading, that’s awesome. It reveals a desire to become the best version of yourself, to become a better husband for your wife. But the simple desire isn’t enough. You need more.
Your desire to become a better husband has to drive you toward action if actual improvement is going to take place. It’s good that you want to be a better partner for your bride, but you’ve got to take those initial steps and do something about it.
You can start slow. Pick one idea mentioned above and focus on putting that idea into practice. Over time, add more ideas to the mix. You might even come up with some of your own creative ideas to express your love along the way.
Whatever the case, you’ll be well on your way to her bragging about you to her friends. Of course, that’s not the goal . . . but it does feel good.
