Knowing how to have the talk with your kids can seem daunting. But, it doesn’t have to feel that way. In one sense, there’s nothing no under the sun. The battle of temptation is as old as time. On the other hand, access to illicit material is much easier in our kid’s time than when we were growing up.
That said, there’s a lot of questions and concerns around this topic for dads. Can I say too much too soon? When’s the best time to talk about this stuff? Won’t someone else do it? As a dad, you need to be ready for this on many levels. Here are three rules for how to have the talk with your kids.
3 rules for how to have the talk with your kids.
3. Don’t go too fast too soon.
1. Stop calling it “the talk.”
We’re not fighting a battle that’s never been fought. It’s a unique time with all of the temptation. But, it’s not new. If you think about it as a war, hundreds of years ago, you fought with horses and chariots. Today, you’ll need laser-guided missiles and drones. The weapons of our battle have become different.
Helping your kids arrive at a healthy view of sexuality is not just one talk. It’s a multi-year process—a series of conversations that takes place over several years. You don’t get just one bite at this apple. If you’re looking for a quick one-time chat that gets you off the hook, best of luck with that approach. Knowing how to have the talk with your kids is tough. Don’t forget, it’s not just one talk.
2. Start earlier than you think.
You should start the conversation by age nine or ten. I started by asking my kids if they knew what “sexy” meant. You’re gauging whether they’re starting to hear or feel anything. Maybe they’re starting to talk about who’s pretty or not. Now, if you ask your kid, “Hey, have you ever heard the word “sexy”?” And your kid shrugs it off and says, “Nah.” Then simply drop it for a few months.
The goal is to try and be ahead of the conversation. Starting earlier than you think will help you be the one they come to. You want to guard against their first exposure not being you. Ideally, I want to start from a place where there are no preconceived notions. If we wait until 13-14 years old, their notions are now things I have to work through. So, masturbation, sex, pornography—it’ll be better if these things are discussed with you rather than friends or culture. Knowing how to have the talk with your kids isn’t easy, but you have to start earlier than you think.
3. Don’t go too fast too soon.
If you think it’s just one talk, there’s a ton of pressure that shouldn’t be there. If you meet a girl and try to make her my wife in one talk—that’s a pretty high-pressure date. Can you get all of that done in one sitting? No. Relax, when it comes to talking about sex, you can’t talk about everything from how babies are made to how to guard against temptation in two hours. Just stop.
You can start the conversation somewhere. You have freedom here. Imagine teaching someone about baseball. You might start with, “Man, you like baseball?” Then talk more about how many players are on a team and how runs are scored. It’ll be a few conversations before you get to what a double-play is or the strategy of a bunt. Knowing how to have the talk with your kids can be awkward. Don’t create more pressure on yourself than you have to. Start that first conversation slowly.
As a dad, I hope you’ll be one of the primary teachers of your kids in this area. It’s an opportunity for you to point your kids to God when you know how to have conversations with your kids. But goodness gracious, please stop calling it “the talk”!
More about how to have the talk with your kids
I sat down with Nic Liberto of Proven Men Ministries and their Naked Gospel Podcast. Watch as we talk about a bunch of stuff related to sex and temptation and how to raise our boys to become men in this area.
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