Raising teenage boys is not for the faint of heart. I speak from personal experience, having guided two sons into young adulthood, but if you’re the father of an adolescent male, you already know it’s true. Raising young men is a challenge, but it’s a challenge worth embracing.
Here’s an illustration that helps me keep things in perspective. Most movies and books are based on something called the “hero’s journey.” A hero faces an overwhelming challenge he’d rather avoid. Somewhere along the way, he meets a mentor who encourages and equips him to overcome the obstacle—like Yoda for Luke or Dumbledore for Harry.
As a father, you’re the mentor for a maturing hero. You have the awesome privilege of guiding your sons through their struggles and pointing them toward genuine, biblical manhood.
Understanding Development
The best place to start is always the beginning, and as you start raising teenage boys, you’ll definitely get a proper understanding of adolescent development. Honestly, this is where a lot of your struggles will arise. But take heart: it’s a natural part of growing up. Plus, you survived this stage, and your son will too.
Basically, adolescent development creates a swirling storm of physical and emotional changes. It starts with puberty and goes from there. To make matters worse, boys brains don’t fully develop until they’re young adults, so their physical maturity isn’t always matched by good judgment. So, a big part of your job involves teaching your son how to control impulses and embrace his own worth until his brain catches up to his body.
As a believer, you also need to focus on spiritual development. Adolescence is when teen boys really begin wrestling with their faith and taking ownership of their relationship with Jesus. Again, that’s a good thing. Yes, the hard questions will come, but you get to instill values and character that provide your son with a “true north.”
I know it sounds like you need an advanced degree in psychology to raising teenage boys, but you don’t. You just need love and a commitment to ride out the tough times and celebrate the smallest victories.
Top 10 tips for Raising Teenage Boys
No book or blog will prepare you for every challenge of raising teenage boys. Life never works that way. But there are a few basics that can serve as a “field guide” of sorts. Some are easier than others, but all have stood the test of time.
- Love your sons as they are, not as you wish they were. You made mistakes as teen just like I did—and you probably worried about how your father would react. Regardless of how your dad handled your shortcomings, love and accept your son as he is. Never forget that he is a masterpiece in the making.
- Surround your son with other good men. Every boy needs role models. You get to be one of them, but you don’t have to be the only one. Introduce your son to other trustworthy mentors. Let these godly men help you carry the load.
- Invite your son into your story. You’re a living example of a teenage boy who made it to manhood. Use that to your advantage. Tell him about your struggles and your victories as a teen. In addition, let him share some age-appropriate responsibilities in the present. Set him up for success by making him a part of your journey.
- Spend time together. This doesn’t have to be fancy. Just find ways to be together. When my sons were younger, I sometimes took them on the road with me for business trips. Yes, they had to occupy themselves during my meetings, but we always tried to make memories when I was off the clock. We still talk about some of those trips today.
- Look for teachable moments. As you’re spending time together, look for opportunities to teach values and character. You don’t have to force a lecture. If you pay attention, the moments will come. For one of my sons, a great teaching time was when he was learning to drive. He was too focused on the road to raise defenses.
- Remind him who he is. Ultimately, the son you are raising does not belong to you. He is God’s child first and foremost, and that makes him special. He needs to hear that he has worth on a regular basis, especially from you.
- Arrange for a rite of passage. In many cultures, boys know when they move into manhood because their society celebrates the milestone. You can plan that kind of milestone event for your son, too. One friend sent his son on a walk around a local lake. Significant men in the boy’s life walked assigned sections of the route with him and gave him words of wisdom about being a man. A rite of passage doesn’t have to be complicated. It just has to tell your son that you believe in him and in his future.
- Be honest and transparent. As a dad, you already know that your son has an incredibly sensitive “hypocrite detector.” So, be honest about your mistakes, apologize when necessary, and don’t dodge the hard questions. Be real with him. Don’t be afraid of “I don’t know,” but promise to work through the questions together.
- Hold your son accountable. Teen boys don’t want to be raised by a buddy. They want a dad who will call them out in loving ways when it’s needed. He might fight it outwardly, but down deep, he will appreciate it.
- Provide a model he can follow. Dads are always at the center of their son’s lives. Even when he seems to be pushing you away, he’s watching to see how you do things. Since more is caught than taught, live with integrity in your relationships with family, friends, and God. He needs to see how it’s done—and he needs to see it from you.
The Bottom Line
Research is clear about what happens when kids suffer from a “father deficit.” The absence of fathers can lead to risky behaviors, poor academic performance, and stunted development. In short, your sons need you to be active in their lives. Plus, God’s given you this awesome opportunity, so make the most of it. After all, you’re not only raising teenage boys. Ultimately, you’re raising an adult with the potential to change the world.
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