When I was a kid, pornography was a magazine hidden behind the counter at a local store or a movie shown at a theater in the sketchy part of town. By the time I was a young adult, the magazines were out in the open—with the covers obscured—and the movies had moved to premium cable channels. Today, all of it is available at the click of a button.
And research tells us that a lot of men are clicking those buttons. According to one study, online pornography takes in nearly $17 billion a year, while 35% of all online downloads are pornographic in nature. Some 40 million people regularly visit porn sites. In other words, porn has become big business.
But while the porn industry’s profits grow and culture’s acceptance of pornography is on the rise, the damage done to men and their marriages hasn’t slowed. Mixing pornography and marriage remains a recipe for disaster.
By the numbers
In some ways, statistics help tell the story of pornography’s damaging effects. For example, more than half of married men (55%) admit to viewing pornography at least once a month. Among that group, 63% of men ages 18-30 watch porn several times a week. While that number drops to 38% for 31- to 40-year-olds, it still means that nearly four in ten married men are seeking out illicit images on a regular basis. They are replacing a genuine relationship with a shadow of their own imagination.
In terms of marriage itself, the numbers are just as disturbing. Studies indicate that more than in more than half (56%) of marriages ending in divorce, at least one spouse is obsessed with pornography. Simply put, pornography is more than a personal issue or a character flaw. It destroys relationships, including marriages.
Beyond the numbers
While it’s tempting to focus on the statistics related to pornography and marriage, we need to remember that each number represents human beings who are experiencing a tremendous struggle. In marriages, the results are multiplied because of spouses and children involved. With that in mind, it’s important to understand exactly what the toll can be and how to overcome an addiction to porn.
Physically, regular exposure to pornography literally changes people’s brains and ultimately pushes them toward addiction. While some experts hesitate to classify porn addiction as a mental disorder, research reveals that viewing pornography activates the same pleasure centers in the brain as other addictive substances—like alcohol or narcotics. As one might expect, that creates problems for a man and his marriage in areas like sharing intimacy and discerning reality.
The truth is, that pornography actually stifles intimacy within marriage. Like many addictions, pornography can lead to what is known as the law of diminishing returns. After repeated exposure, the things that once produced pleasure and excitement lose their potency. As a result, an individual needs something “more” to achieve the same “highs.” Over time, the dependence on a cheap imitation rather than true intimacy makes it impossible to nurture a healthy relationship, creating a wall of distrust and dishonesty between spouses.
In addition, pornography distorts the true, God-given purpose of sex. Since porn is basically a form of entertainment, it’s based on fiction, but men fail to distinguish between what’s real and what’s not. That warps their expectations toward marital sexuality. Even worse, pornography disconnects sex from personal relationships, which disconnects it from the design God provided in Eden (Genesis 1:27-28; 2:21-25).
I could tell you about the alarming statics concerning the porn industry, but you don’t need to hear that to know pornography is a problem. I could tell you that it is an issue for both men and women, but you probably already know that porn addiction is widespread. All we need to understand is that porn is a terrorist that can subtly damage our most precious relationships.
How to overcome porn addiction:
Pray.
If porn is a struggle of yours, you’ve probably already done this. Keep doing it. Prayer has a unique way of connecting us to God. And being connected to the Father is our best way out of this mess. Men are wired to be stimulated visually, which makes porn a brain issue and a heart one. Pray for God to renew your mind (Romans 12:2) and guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23).
Tell someone.
Accountability is going to be a vital weapon in this fight. Even though porn is a problem that hurts so many people, it is also one nobody talks about. We have to tell someone. One of Satan’s greatest weapons is convincing you that you are the only one who struggles with sin. Opening up to someone else will help you make genuine efforts towards letting go of this problem.
There are plenty of resources to take advantage of for help: support groups, online and in-person programs, and even apps. To help keep you honest, there is software, like Covenant Eyes, that will send out an email of inappropriate websites you visited to someone you’ve entrusted to keep you accountable. Whatever you choose as your plan of attack, make sure it includes more people than just you.
Dig for the roots.
Like all addictions, something leads us to that initial drink, drug, or magazine. Think back to your first exposure to porn. How did it happen? What void did you believe it filled? Deal with that wound or insecurity head-on instead of allowing porn to numb the pain.
Identify your triggers.
You know the circumstances that send you looking for porn. Be aware of them. Is it a particular time of day? Is it when you’re feeling stressed? We have to understand our triggers to know how to avoid them or are prepared to fight when they arise.
Don’t give up.
If it were easy to walk away, it wouldn’t be labeled an addiction. This is a battle you will find yourself in time and time again. Maybe forever. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Just because it’s a fight doesn’t mean you can’t win.
WANT SOME HELP TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX?
Our friends at Proven Ministries have built a solid course to help parents create honest and biblical conversations about sexuality. They call it: The SexTalk. But, don’t let the name fool you. It’s not just one talk, but a series of conversations. But, hey, we gotta start somewhere, right?
WANT SOME HELP TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX?
Our friends at Proven Ministries have built a solid course to help parents create honest and biblical conversations about sexuality. They call it: The SexTalk. But, don’t let the name fool you. It’s not just one talk, but a series of conversations. But, hey, we gotta start somewhere, right?
You can eliminate porn addiction from your life.
Porn addiction is a problem that is eroding the hearts of men. If undealt with, it can become a toxin that poisons too many aspects of our lives. Do something about it today. It all starts with you; let these steps be your game plan and get to work.
Challenge: Seek accountability from men around you.
Finding freedom
Essentially, pornography is a physical, emotional, and spiritual bait-and-switch. It offers something amazing but produces only heartache and devastation. Like animals caught in a trap, what seemed so promising holds individuals captive; and the more they struggle, the more pain and frustration they experience.
That’s why it’s important to avoid falling into the trap in the first place, if possible. For that, men should lean into personal accountability—both with one another and with God. Pornography preys on those who try to “go it alone.” Isolation fuels the fire. In contrast, walking with God and with other men of integrity can keep one from getting burned.
But even if you’re already struggling with pornography, accountability is still your friend. In fact, support groups and counseling might be your best options. After all, light dispels darkness. Transparency in a safe environment introduces more light into your life, which weakens pornography’s foothold.
Of course, you also need to come clean with your wife, as hard as that might be to imagine. Again, secret sin destroys relationships, while light brings healing. Pray about the best way to approach her on the subject. Pray for yourself and for her. Then, ask her to help you develop a plan to rid your life of this scourge.
Just remember, she may need time to process and forgive. While you’re dealing with guilt and embarrassment, she is likely to experience confusion and deep hurt. She might even feel a sense of betrayal. Give her some space as you ask her for grace.
Give yourself some grace
Even as you learn to stay alert, God has promised to forgive your sins if you confess them to Him (1 John 1:9). Embrace that promise. The past doesn’t have to define you, but it should motivate you to stop the cycle and to drive pornography out of your marriage once and for all.
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