Diligence Sends a Powerful Message to Our Kids

Show Transcripts:

Voiceover:

Welcome to the Father On Purpose Podcast, featuring author and ministry leader Kent Evans and business executive and military veteran Lawson Brown. This is a show for you, Dad. You want to be a godly and intentional father? Unfortunately, you’ve turned to these two knuckleheads for help. Let us know how that works out for you.Before we begin, remember this, you are not a father on accident, so go be a father on purpose. Please welcome your hosts, Kent and Lawson.

 

Kent Evans:

Hey, Lawson, man, welcome to our next episode. We’re going to have fun today, even though the topic’s going to be, I don’t want to say heavy, but I want to say like real. Is real better than heavy or should I just say heavy?

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah, I think it’s real, man, because it’s just life. It’s not unique.

 

Kent Evans:

True. Here’s what we’re going to talk about today, what we’re going to talk about today is there are seasons we walk through with our kids that are tougher than others because we’re walking through something that’s our own challenge. Maybe we got fired from a job or maybe we’re having some marital challenge or we have our own issues to manage, and while we’re walking through it, we still got to be a dad. That’s one thing that’s lost on kids a lot, right? Is that their dads are still living a whole life all by themselves that doesn’t involve just being the dad. And then there are times our kids are walking through challenges that we have to help them through, or we try to help them through. And that can be really tricky, especially if it’s a challenge that you don’t have a lot of experience with. And so that’s where, actually, it’s funny, we’re recording this on a Monday afternoon in the middle of the afternoon. I don’t know when you’re going to be listening to it, but I just came off, like I literally stopped one conversation-

 

Lawson Brown:

Walked down the stairs from-

 

Kent Evans:

Yeah. I stopped one conversation and then turned my mic on. And the conversation before was, man, just… It’s like one of those conversations you have with your kids where you feel like you’re walking through a minefield and everything you step on explodes. It doesn’t matter how gingerly you step or how careful you are or whether you have a metal detector, it just seems like that. And we were going to talk about this anyway. This isn’t a reaction to my lunchtime conversation, but the idea, the idea we want to share today for dads listening is that our diligence, our persistence through seasons of difficulty sends a message even if, in the middle of the difficulty, we’re struggling our way through it. The word diligence, Lawson, and you’re a military veteran, you’re a business executive, you’re a dad and a husband, you’ve had to be diligent in various areas of your life. If I were just to say, “Hey, man, describe a time when you were diligent,” it could be family, it could be work-related, what was something that you persevered through? And when you got to the other side of it, you realized, “Man, that’s probably a lot of work persevering through that.” What comes to mind, man?

 

Lawson Brown:

Well, like you said before, we both said before this, we hope to be a source of encouragement. And I just want to personally just tell you, man, I’m just encouraging you, you are doing what you need to be doing. And I think in a situation like this, persistence and diligence, just being there and being this immovable support, no matter what landmines go off, it doesn’t change you. It doesn’t mean that you’re retreating, backing up off of it, you’re just going to be there. And I think it’s a reflection of God, that no matter what we do, He’s always there. He doesn’t take his eyes off us. He doesn’t move farther away. He’s just right there. And so you as a dad can be that example through a hard time like this. It’s easy when everything’s, you said it, should be heavy or real. There are some times I think in life that it’s light in contrast, if you’re saying heavy. Most of the time it’s not, in business, in life, and I thought you said something too that’s probably its own episode, but basically that dads have stuff too and our children are just completely blind, and they should be, that while dealing with something of theirs, you too are dealing with something of your own. But that doesn’t matter. That bag has got to be carried without burdening their own, your children’s. So to you, to myself, to others, we happen to be in a sweet spot right now family-wise. It’s a loving life, but you know it will come. Something’s going to come, and to be that father that is just that immovable stone. He doesn’t move, always with you, never going to leave, never going to take his eyes off of you, or in our earthly case, never take our heart off of helping and supporting and being there, and that may mean discipline. So before we kicked off, you reminded me of something a couple of years ago in our family, and we did not know how to address it. We did not know what the right thing was to say at whatever time. And there were glimpses of, okay, a little bit of progress, and then… But really, you know what? It was hers to work through in her time with God’s help in her life. But fortunately, I credit it to God that He offered me the strength and the ability to be patient, be loving, nothing but loving. Even though she knew I didn’t understand and/or had my concerns about it, that did not change the fact that I was with her and I love her no matter what, period. And that’s where it stops.

 

Kent Evans:

You used this word a minute ago, the word patient. What does that word mean, Lawson? I’ve never… I mean, I’ve heard it.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah. Yeah.

 

Kent Evans:

I think.

 

Lawson Brown:

It’s not my own.

 

Kent Evans:

Yeah, that part of my Bible, it says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience. I just took a black marker and marked out patience. I just wanted to stop reading that word. I’m done with that word. I think God thinks it’s okay. No, I’m just kidding. I mean, I’m kidding obviously to walk myself into that pond that is, man, patience. Oh my goodness. I am getting a crash course in patience, and it’s an interesting season. So one of the things that we often talk about when we talk about something like either diligence or persistence is this idea that fortunately or unfortunately, and I always hesitate to bring this up when we’re talking to dads, but I mean, it’s real, we got to be honest about it, our kids do tend to process God through the lens of their own earthly father, for better or for worse, right?

 

Kent Evans:

And I’m not saying I got to be perfect for them to relate to God by any stretch. What I am saying is the degree to which my character traits and my approach to problems can mirror or be similar to that of how God would approach a problem, it does help my kids see a clearer or foggier picture of God.

 

Kent Evans:

And so one of the things I hope that if a dad’s listening to this right now, and let me just talk to you, Dad, if you’re listening to this and you’re walking through a difficult season with your child, they may be still under your roof and struggling at school, or they have connected with some bad influences, or they’ve stumbled onto something on the internet they shouldn’t have, or they’re older and your options of helping them are more limited, maybe they’ve moved out of your house and you’re just watching them struggle, your proximity to them emotionally and spiritually does send a message. And the message is I love you and I’m here for you and I’m not going to leave you.

 

Kent Evans:

And the degree to which we can send that message is the degree to which they’ll kind of hear that to some degree from God, the Father, because He says the same things, right? Doesn’t He basically say the same thing to us, Lawson, as his own children?

 

Lawson Brown:

Yep. It’s such a reassurance. You hit on something. We’re just not good at some things and some of that is supposed to be what we, as dads, as grown men, as wiser than our children people ought to be, but patience takes practice and patience comes with perspective. So it helps to know that you’re not alone. It helps to know that you are, even though it seems in the moment like we need to hurry and fix this.

 

Kent Evans:

Have you been tapping my phone calls?

 

Lawson Brown:

Right?

 

Kent Evans:

I knew that Google device was listening to me. I knew it was listening.

 

Lawson Brown:

We ought to be able to figure this out, but dang, man, it takes forever sometimes. It just feels like you’re never going to make progress, but just through your diligence of being present, you are making progress. You really are making progress. It just doesn’t feel like it in that moment. And it may not take a month, it may take two years. And so get your perspective and your head around that it’s probably not going to come quick.

 

Kent Evans:

Well, and maybe you learned this as you walked through a season with your daughters or your wife. There are times when I really need to talk a lot less. Part of the reason I’m in a role that I’m in, I publish, we do podcasts, I speak, three hours ago, I’m on a call with someone and I’m booking a new speaking engagement, right? I like to communicate. I enjoy it. I’m gifted at it. However, however, ooh, boy, there are times when I can hear that voice in my head just saying, “Dude, shut up. The best thing you could do right now would be to shut your fat mouth.”

 

Kent Evans:

And even today with one of my family members who I’m only being a little vague because you and I have talked about this, Lawson, I want to be real with dads, but at the same time, I don’t want to exploit my family in the process.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah, it’s not fair to them for me to choose what I get to talk about.

 

Kent Evans:

No, but my son’s bank account number is 471… No, I’m just kidding. Yeah, I want to be guarded a little in the sense that I’m not afraid to disclose it, but I want to be respectful.

 

Kent Evans:

What I do think is important is at one point today, I said to one of my kids, I just said, “You know what we’re going to do next? I’m just going to pray for you.” And that sounds hyper spiritual and like I was floating down from the clouds, but this was after me yelling at him and pointing at him in ways that were probably not healthy. And I just realized, man, I’m actually emotionally at the end of my rope. Like I have very little left to give-

 

Lawson Brown:

Ugh. That’s tough.

 

Kent Evans:

In this moment. In this moment, at whatever time it was, I have very little left to give you. So what we’re going to do is I’m going to ask God to do what I can’t do and just dial down all the tension and shift the car into a lower gear and just slow everything down.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah. Love it.

 

Kent Evans:

Why do you think that guys are so hesitant to do that when we know, in the back of our head, we know the more we’re talking, the more we’re running our mouth, the worse we’re making it? What is it that keeps us from just dialing it down or pulling back? What are your thoughts?

 

Lawson Brown:

It’s hard not to. And something I thought of while you were talking is your gift. You are a great communicator, you’re fantastic, but maybe you need to set that gift aside and let God. He’s so much better at it. He knows what’s in the other person’s mind and heart, what they’re going through, what they think, how they feel, not like from a, “Mm, I’m a pretty empathetic person. I can kind of get a whiff of what it is that they’re feeling.” No, God knows exactly. He understands their heart. And so, yeah, move out of the way. Get yourself out of the way. Let Him do it. It’s really cool to visualize or try to see you in that moment saying, “I’m just spent, I have nothing else, so, God, come take this over please. Do this.”

 

Kent Evans:

For all the listeners, Lawson and I have known each other about 20 years, and what he just said is code for, “Man, I’d love to see Kent shut up one time. What would be amazing is watching Kent actually shut up.”

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah, let me see this. Let me see it. I don’t believe it.

 

Kent Evans:

“It’s really cool picturing you in that moment being very spiritual.” What he meant was there are people who’d pay good money to get Kent to shut his yapper.

 

Lawson Brown:

To shut up.

 

Kent Evans:

“What I need you to do, Dad, is shut your big yapper.”

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah.

 

Kent Evans:

My favorite Chris Farley moments. I think for me and my wife both, we do believe, to your point a minute ago, that what we can do is we can just fix it, right? If we work hard enough or try hard enough or talk long enough, we’re going to somehow fix it. And I’d like to address that angle of just what’s driving some of that, and then let’s give dads some practical tools and tips on the other side of this quick break. Dads, we’ll talk to you in just a minute.

 

Kent Evans:

Hey, Dad, sometimes you need weekly encouragement on your father journey. That’s why we built a community of men that are basically the Navy SEALs of godly fatherhood. They are all located at fatheronpurpose.org. That’s fatheronpurpose.org. Now that is a monthly subscription of just 11 measly US dollars. And when you join that community, you will get action items that are brief and biblical and you can put into play right away. Every week we release a dad mission video that is a short [inaudible 00:14:02] based on the Bible with an action item mission at the end. Super practical. And plus, as a bonus, when you dive in, you get digital courses, eBooks, all kinds of other resources, not to mention you’re connected with dozens of other godly dads who are walking through the same issues you’re walking through. And that community is very rich and vibrant. Come check it out today at fatheronpurpose.org. That’s fatheronpurpose.org.

 

Lawson Brown:

Okay, we’re back. So something that we hit on earlier… What?

 

Kent Evans:

Nothing. I’m glad we’re back. You seem very excited about us being back.

 

Lawson Brown:

Heck yeah, is that this feeling in us about many things, most things, most guys, they want to fix, they want to be the fixer, and we aren’t going to. I don’t want to, you can. I don’t want to get into a list of if you are trying to do that, Dad, here’s how we’re going to fix you trying to be the fixer, you got to stop. But what’s driving your motivation? Like you say, what’s underneath that? Why? In your moment now, in fact, you talked about being hard to just stop talking and be the one who is always leading, always driving the conversation, always getting into some route that you’re like, “Ah, now we got it. Now we need to do these two things and then this problem is going to go away.”

 

Kent Evans:

Man. When I think about some of that, Lawson, one of the things that drives me to try to fix stuff is, if I’m completely honest, if I can peel back all the layers as much as I can, I’m sure there are things about me I don’t even understand. But from what I can understand, part of it is I’m just selfish. There may be some drama in the home and that drama gets in the way of me recording my podcast, or that drama gets in the way of my relationship with my spouse, or that drama gets in the way of our finances or whatever, right? And so I just want the drama to stop because I want it to stop because I don’t want any drama. And at the end of the day, I think all that really is is me just being fairly selfish.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah, I don’t want that. Forget about the family, like in business right now, we happen to be in a time of prosperity. And it’s super great. We got great sales and it’s nice. We’re not beating each other up and, “Whose fault is this and why aren’t we growing sales?” In the home life too, that element of drama kills the vibe and it’s just not fun. So I understand what you’re saying. It’s selfish maybe, yeah, but, well, I don’t know. I don’t want to speak for you, but for me, it was I got a sense of accomplishment in some times, tough times at home where it was my ego. It was my pride. I wanted to be the hero. I wanted to be the one that stuck it out and made it work and helped. And yes, because I care, yes, of course, but there was definitely a bit of, “Ha ha, aren’t you thankful that I helped to do this?” And meanwhile I just picture God going, “Okay, here we go.”

 

Kent Evans:

I have felt the adrenaline rush. And my son, Alex, my oldest son got married about a little over a year ago at the time of we’re recording this. And I have had his wife, Gracie, she’s told me a couple of times since they got married, “Man, you know Alex just thinks you’re the best dad ever?” And I’m kind of like, well, he only had one. He only has an experience with one. So one out of one, it’s his only model. But I mean, he’s seen a lot of guys. And I felt that adrenaline rush, almost like I think it releases dopamine. I’d love to see like a brain scan whenever Gracie says that to me because, man, yeah, isn’t that what we kind of all want? Is our kids to grow up and say, “Man, I had a really cool Mom and Dad.”

 

Lawson Brown:

I love it. Yeah.

 

Kent Evans:

And it’s not evil, right? I wouldn’t want to go back in time and have Timothy go, “Oh, the apostle Paul, what a jerk.” I wouldn’t want that either. But having said that, that shouldn’t be my objective, right? But to your point, pride, man, pride drives me to want to solve the problem so that in the end, I can say, “Oh yeah, I remember coming in on my white horse and solving that problem.”

 

Lawson Brown:

Yes. Like you said, that’s not bad. That’s not evil. I want to be a good dad. When I’m affirmed of that, it feels great. What you got to avoid, I guess, is that that is your driving motivation.

 

Kent Evans:

Yeah. Yes.

 

Lawson Brown:

Or even a primary piece of why you are wanting to do fill in the blank with your son, with your daughter, with your wife, whatever.

 

Kent Evans:

Well, while we’re talking about ways to try to fix stuff and what might be some of the drivers underneath it, one other one that for me, again, if I try to be as honest as I can with myself, one of the reasons I want to fix stuff is because I just don’t trust God all the way. In other words, I’m feverously trying to grab the wheel of this car called the Evans family and to keep it out of the ditch, right? When the whole time God’s kind of going, “Bro, if you let go of the wheel, you wouldn’t be in the ditch in the first place. I don’t know if you noticed, but the reason you usually end up in the ditch is because of something stupid you did.” And so sometimes we want to fix the problem and it comes down to, man, I just don’t trust God all the way. If I let this kid go or if I let him experience… Now, again, I’m not just saying that you let a three-year-old run into traffic, but what I’m saying is, as your kids get older, sometimes, man, I remember reading in the book, I love this book, by the way, it was called Parenting by The Book. And the guy says you try all these things with your kids and you lean into them and you disciple them and you pray and you hustle and you talk and all the things that you try to do as a dad. And then there are times when you just have to hang on until they’re 18 and let life become their teacher. And you can take that wrong, where it’s like, “Okay, I’m done with you. Good riddance.”

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah. Right. No. Mm-hmm (affirmative). That’s right.

 

Kent Evans:

No, no, no, but it is that sometimes there are those natural consequences of choices that our kids need to experience that we would, in our flesh, want to keep them from experiencing, you know, no harm, no harm, let’s keep all the boogeyman away, but that becomes how we learn. That becomes how we learn. And one of the things that I’m learning how to do very imperfectly is how to trust God completely and let my kids go. And I’m putting that in air quotes. If you can’t see me, I’m putting that in air quotes to say-

 

Lawson Brown:

They can’t see you.

 

Kent Evans:

[inaudible 00:20:50] shoot.

 

Lawson Brown:

No, they can’t. I can.

 

Kent Evans:

Oh that’s great. That’s great. So this shirt I’m wearing doesn’t matter?

 

Lawson Brown:

So air quotes are fine.

 

Kent Evans:

Air quotes are fine.

 

Lawson Brown:

Hit it.

 

Kent Evans:

Hit it.

 

Lawson Brown:

[inaudible 00:20:58]

 

Kent Evans:

So I can let them go and let God take care of them figuring life out to a degree. And man, I just, I resist that. Why did I resist that so much? Is it because I don’t trust God or is there something else there, Lawson?

 

Lawson Brown:

I don’t know. I do the same thing. I’ve had some mentors in my life who that was like their default in situations was… And it was genuine and authentic and they were really able to do it.

 

Kent Evans:

What do you mean? They were able to do what?

 

Lawson Brown:

Trust God.

 

Kent Evans:

Ah.

 

Lawson Brown:

It sounds easy and it’s what I pray for often. It’s easier in the good times.

 

Kent Evans:

And one thing I want dads to be encouraged by in this particular episode is that as we’re walking through difficult seasons with our children, diligence sends a message. I know we kind of said that at the top, I just don’t want to lose sight of that because sometimes I think where our enemy wants to take us is that he wants us to focus on how imperfectly we walked through that season, right? And our imperfections cloud that whole season. And in the end, again, I’m not saying we want to walk through it imperfectly on purpose, however, the fact that I’m telling my son as we’re walking through a challenge is, “Hey, man, I know we’re all managing a lot of these dynamics and we’re not managing them perfectly. I’m sure not managing them perfectly. I know you’re not, your mom isn’t, however, we’re here. We’re with you.”

 

Kent Evans:

And even though I told my son not too long ago, I said, “Hey, man, what you’re mentally kind of wrestling with is something that I’ve not personally walked through. I got other challenges, this isn’t one of them.” I wrestled with apples, he’s wrestling with an orange. And I said, “So the bad news is I don’t really understand it firsthand. I can’t easily put myself in your shoes. However, I know a lot of people and I’m going to find you somebody who can.” And so you mentioned this a minute ago, sometimes we just need other voices in the lives of our kids. Don’t we?

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah, it’s crazy. I was just kind of hanging, waiting to chime in. You were on a roll there, but it may not be about you.

 

Kent Evans:

All right. At this point, Lawson’s going to stop talking. We’re going to discontinue this podcast. I mean, can you think of a time when you brought some other voices into the lives of your daughters? I’m sure trying that with my sons, man.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yep. Michael, Van, Matthew, Pete, I could go down the list of six, seven, eight guys that God put in my life. And it’s been for me of course some too, but specifically so that they… Or like Audrey’s, my wife’s best friend’s aunts, God uses people that are better equipped or differently equipped. Just because we’re the dad, it doesn’t mean it has to be. It’s not. It’s fully just not on us at all times to carry whatever it is that we’re going through. You literally walked downstairs and turned this on and get us going. Man, it’s going to be good. It’s going to be okay. You gotta have also people in your life that you know aren’t going to leave you.

 

Kent Evans:

Yeah. For sure.

 

Lawson Brown:

[inaudible 00:24:22] by your side because dading is hard and you need people that are… I’m one of those right here with you, man. Even middle of the night, whatever, angry text, give me a call, whatever. It’s just not easy and it’s okay to be human. You don’t have to be perfect and figure this out. It’s not on you.

 

Kent Evans:

I have a friend named John and I remember hearing my former pastor, Bob Russell, who’s such a great pastor, he was a preacher at Southeast for 40 years, and he said every leader needs a couple of people that he can relate to. I’m not necessarily quoting him, but the spirit of what he was saying, I may be quoting him, I don’t remember exactly, but he said we all need a couple of people in our lives with whom we do not need to guard our words.

 

Lawson Brown:

Yeah. Right.

 

Kent Evans:

And I thought, wow, what a great way to look at that, and I can think of a couple of guys, man. Dave, John, there’s a couple of guys in my life that I could call them up and say anything at all, any word that I could use in the English language and they would not necessarily be offended and they would be able to process that with me.

 

Kent Evans:

I hope as a dad, if you’re listening to this podcast and you’re thinking, “Man, I want to really be diligent as I’m walking through a season with one of my kids or my family,” I’m hoping that, to Lawson’s point, you can rattle off names like Lawson did, that there’s three, four, five, six guys in your life that you can lean into. And if not, give Lawson a call. I mean, he just offered to let everybody text him in the middle of the night. So Lawson’s phone number is 123-456-7890. Okay, that’s not really a phone number.

 

Lawson Brown:

Oh, I think we’re done.

 

Kent Evans:

Feel free to call Lawson.

 

Lawson Brown:

[crosstalk 00:26:06]

 

Kent Evans:

If you have any trouble, call Lawson. Hey, Dad, if you’re listening to this episode today, we hope it’s encouraged you. We hope that as we walk through kind of the real life challenges of being a dad who’s trying to be a godly father and parent his children in a way that honors Christ, that you were blessed and encouraged by our conversation today. And we hope that as you’re walking through it, you keep in mind that when your family is struggling, even just your diligence sends a message. So Dad, go get them, and we’ll talk to you next week.

 

Kent Evans:

Hey, Dad, thank you for listening to today’s show. If you found this episode helpful, remember you can get all the content and show notes at manhoodjourney.org/podcast. And if you really liked it, please consider doing three things. Number one, share this podcast with someone. You can hit the share button in your app wherever you listen to podcasts or just call the person up and tell them to listen in. Number two, subscribe to this podcast so you get episodes automatically. That helps us as well to help dads find the show. You can do that through your favorite listening app, whatever that is. And finally, review this podcast. Leave us a review, good or bad, wherever you listen. Those reviews also help other dads find the show.

 

Kent Evans:

You can always learn more about what we’re up to at manhoodjourney.org or fatheronpurpose.org. We will see you next week.

 

Voiceover:

You’ve been dozing off to the Father On Purpose Podcast, featuring Kent Evans and Lawson Brown. Now, wake up. Head over to fatheronpurpose.org for more tools that can help you be a godly, intentional and not completely horrible dad. Remember, you are not a father on accident, so go be a father on purpose.