Parental control: A christian dad’s quick guide for battling culture.

Parental control is a never-ending battle.

If you don’t realize it. You’re probably losing the battle. The game is on and the battle will arise often. Go back to this 10-year-old birthday sleepover. Imagine them with pizza, popcorn, and ice cream. They sit down and are ready to watch the latest scary movie together. But my daughter senses something. Something’s not right.

The war rages.

As your children get older, you’re going to run head-on into the issue of “What am I allowed to watch?”. It may start out with movies or TV shows, but the same question will bleed into apps, books, games, YouTube videos, podcasts, music, and other forms of writing, audio, and video.

If you have teenage children, you know what I’m talking about and you’ve died the death of a thousand cuts as you’ve fought this battle off and on–every time a new movie releases or an album drops, the debate gets reignited. Yes, ask my kids, I’m the “no” guy at my house. 

Back to my daughter at the party. I quickly told Tonia, my wife (as I snatched up my iPhone and scanned IMDB for the rating of IT Chapter 2.) “Yep, R-rated. No way. I haven’t even seen it. It’s Stephen King. He’s a great writer and I’m a fan. But I’m old. Remember the first IT and the remake of IT? They were both super scary. Like nightmare-scary. I’m sure we’ll watch it one day, but dang, she’s 10 tonight.”

I said that, basically. Tonia didn’t repeat what I said word-for-word back to our daughter. Tonia’s smart. But Tonia agreed with me and said no. She then offered some ideas of other things they could watch that were less demonic.

Parental control is about playing the long game.

We’re playing a much longer game than anyone decision. This night was about a movie at a party. But, over a thousand more of these decisions, we’re trying to teach our kids right from wrong. At 10, and late at night during a party, the answer may have to be, “Because my parents say no.” But, as parents, we must understand our role is not just about getting them in line while they’re under our roof. We’re trying to give them with biblical wisdom, so they have a biblical approach for the rest of their lives.

With my daughter at the birthday party, imagine having to be her after hanging up the phone. “My mom and dad say no. I can’t watch this movie.” Can you hear the echo in the room of all the other girls? I can. I can hear those girls saying, “Gosh, your dad’s a bummer.” Or whatever 10-year-old girls say about dads who are bummers.

I went through something that night. I felt all kinds of emotions after saying no. Mostly because I wasn’t with my daughter to see her reaction—whether she understood or not. I wanted to get in my car, drive over to the party, and smooth everything over. Make everybody laugh. Maybe show up with Toy Story 1 and lead in a “retro movie night.” I don’t know. What I know is, we’re trying our best to play the long game. As I tried to sleep that night, I reminded myself that it only gets harder. That this night wasn’t about this night.

What is your battle plan?

Alright, if we’re going to handle these things properly. We need a battle plan. There are basically four kinds of approaches:

Approach #1: The no-rules Dad

If this dad were in a western, he’s the wild west. There are no boundaries. Anything goes. This dad’s goal is that his child “learn from mistakes.” 

If you’re the dad who isn’t monitoring things your kids see and do, you’re headed for trouble. If you let your 2-year-old walk out into a busy street, you’re not being a woke or liberated parent who lets their kids explore and grow. You’re a neglectful lunatic. Similarly, if you let your children wander aimlessly down the digital street, they’re going to get run over, and they won’t be the ones to blame.

Back to my daughters’ party story: I could’ve said, “Whatever you want to do, Sweetie. It’s your first sleepover. It’s your choice. I just want you to have fun and do what’s best for you.” Sounds funny when you say it out loud, huh? 

Approach #2: The whatever-others-say Dad

This approach is tricky. Because it works pretty good early on. With babies, you pretty much have to follow others’ advice. But, as your kid’s age, this approach becomes a problem. The experts are no longer experts. This maybe your child’s school teachers or “how other families do it”. 

This dad overly relies on rules and “standards” from others – so, if a leader, author, pastor, or politician says it’s “OK” or “not OK”, we defer. While informed and expert opinions are helpful allies, they’re not entirely sufficient. 

Back to the party story: I could’ve said, “Oh, all the other girls are gonna watch the flick? Okay, go for it. Call me when you can’t sleep later!” Funny. But no.

Approach #3: The I-have-rules-in-my-house Dad

This approach is good. It’s honestly better than the first two approaches. But, like approach number two, it’ll only work while they’re a pre-teen and it will not empower them into adulthood. This approach is the “We decide, you abide” approach. 

Don’t get us wrong here. Rules-based boundaries are good. We’re pro-boundaries! All parents should do some of this approach. There need to be boundaries our kids can rely on. I’m a fan of parental control apps, internet filters, website blockers—all the things.

Maybe your family says you won’t watch R-rated movies until a certain age, or you’ll make explicit music a clear no. Great. While rules are better than not having any, we can’t pretend to solve all issues with enough rules. Rules only get us so far.

Back to party story: I took this approach in the moment. The quickest explanation by phone was to use the rules that our family and the Motion Picture Association of America set forth for film ratings—flawed as they may be.

Here’s the thing: this approach is strong. It’s really good. It’s also what really good non-Christian parents might do. We are called to be different. Let’s review one more approach.

Approach #4: The godly dad

Imagine this: the “how to decide” has been handed down, our kids know WHY there’s this or that rule. Over time, we start to train our kids to make their own decisions. We give our kids their own moral compass and values. There’s not only a filter or a dad who says “NO” all of the time. But our kids ultimately learn how to think and act. They are guided by Scripture. 

This is the correct approach. And, you haven’t fully arrived on this approach until your kid’s buy-in, agree, and make decisions on their own based on this approach.

We can demand and put our foot down or whatever you call it at your house. But, in the end, as I recently heard Kent say, “We’re not just after our kids’ eye and ears, we’re after their hearts.” We need to teach biblical wisdom and help our kids self-regulate.

Back to the party: when we picked our daughter up the next morning, she was fine. The girls all decided to watch something more Disney-scary and not Stephen-King scary. No harm is done. But, reviewing the game film, here’s where I could’ve done better. I could’ve brought up a Scripture we’d been going over the past week or something. I could’ve said, “Remember what we talked about over dinner just last Thursday? How does that verse square with watching IT 2?” Boom. Truth bomb deployed.

What’s the point?

How could I have approached what turned into the 10-year-old scary movie party? Which child are you raising? Is your child the one at the party who feels the need to call home and check before watching? Or is your child the one in the group who could watch and didn’t think anything of it?

You’re called to be different than all other dads. You’re called to raise your children differently. Sanctification is a process of being more and more like Christ and not the world. The world does what the world does. Think about it: if I let worldly guys decide what was okay for me, it’d be okay to look at porn.

Here’s the summary of approaches: the person driving the decision can be #1 Nobody, #2 Someone Else, #3 Parents, or #4 God working in your child. 

Do we agree that Scripture is our guide here? Does it have anything to say about media consumption? Hint, we’ll unpack one example, Philippians  4, next week. Until then, remember 1 John 2:15: “Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

Mission 2: Join the Father On Purpose community if you haven’t. We’re a bunch of dad’s talking through this stuff daily. And, go ahead and share this Facebook post with a friend:

Like this post and want to write for Manhood Journey? Email Ryan Sanders your post and he’ll either not reply because your idea is that bad—or he’ll assign you a deadline.