If you’re a dad, you’ve seen your kids dealing with anger issues. Whether it’s the toddler throwing a tantrum or the teenager slamming the bedroom door, navigating the world of angry kids is a time-honored parenting tradition.

But just because it’s inevitable doesn’t mean it’s healthy. It also doesn’t mean you’re helpless. If you’ve got kids with anger issues, you can make a difference in their lives. Through your calming words, consistent example, and unconditional love, you can lead your child through the angry times and teach them a better way.

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“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

James 1:19-20

Understanding Anger

As we think about how to lead angry kids toward a calmer life, it’s important to understand a couple of things. First, anger is not always unhealthy or dangerous. It’s a God-given emotion that, like all our emotions, has been warped by sin. Some situations call for focused, measured anger. It’s when anger crosses a line that we have a problem.

Also, a lot of anger—in adults and kids—can be traced to some kind of unmet expectation. Things didn’t go as planned, and disappointment or frustration takes root. That doesn’t necessarily validate the expectation. It may or may not be reasonable. But getting to the heart of kids with anger issues means getting to the trigger point, the expectation that has not been met. 

Sometimes, kids with anger problems are covering up for another emotion, such as sadness or anxiety. Often, children don’t have the capacity to verbalize those emotions, so they respond in anger. That’s one reason it’s important for you to stay calm as a parent. Your angry kids will feed off your stress or frustration, and that will only escalate the situation.

Finally, just because your kids don’t seem angry doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with anger at some level. Many children—and adults—internalize their anger. They bury it deep and try to ignore it. So, things like irregular (but massive) explosions or passive aggression might be signs that you’ve got angry kids. They’re just trying to hide their feelings for some reason.

Identify the root of anger

Anger never happens within a vacuum. It can always be traced to a root cause. Find the root cause, and you have a better chance of helping kids with anger issues. The list below offers five possible triggers for angry kids. 

Since libraries and bookstores have entire shelves (and maybe entire sections) devoted to kids with anger issues, these possibilities really only scratch the surface. But if you’re a dad committed to helping your children control their anger, this is a reasonable place to start.

Immaturity

Let’s be honest . . . sometimes, angry kids just need to grow up a little more. Childhood development generally follows predictable patterns, but how kids move through those patterns can vary because kids are unique human beings. If you have kids with anger issues, patience might be your most effective weapon. 

While you absolutely need to step in and offer age-appropriate correction and discipline, you also need to understand that many angry kids “mature out” of misplaced emotional responses. You also need to control your own emotions because your example can show them that there is a better way.

Insecurity

One of the most important things dads can do for their children is to make sure they feel secure. If kids feel insecure, they can develop anxiety, which can push them toward anger. If you can provide unconditional love, affirmation, and stability, your kids will know they’re living in a safe space. And that can reduce the need for them to express themselves through anger.

Fear

Fear and insecurity are related, but their source is different. Insecurity is a response to a genuine situation. Kids with anger issues are insecure because of something they are seeing or experiencing in the present. In contrast, fear is often a response to something they expect to happen. It’s a dread about the future. 

Again, consistent love and stability will go a long way here. But, as a Christian man, you also can use Scripture to help your child deal with fear—and, as a result, anger. Paul told Timothy that God is not the Author of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). So, guiding your child to lean into the love and protection of their heavenly Father gives them a great tool for lowering the temperature on their fears and their anger issues.

Family disruptions

As mentioned, kids appreciate stability. Like a lot of adults, they aren’t big fans of change; but, unlike adults, they may not possess the maturity to process change well. And when that change affects the family, kids with anger issues will struggle immensely. This could involve something like moving to a new house, a new job, a new school, or a new city. It also could include divorce or a death in the family. If you know a shift is coming, spend time with your children. Provide opportunities for them to process and grieve the loss they feel. This will help defuse some of their anger.

Trauma

As you might expect, this is the most difficult and devastating trigger for kids with anger issues. Of course, trauma covers a lot of ground for angry kids. While any frightening or frustrating experience can create a measure of trauma, physical or emotional violence can create the deepest scars. This could include everything from bullying to sexual abuse. If you suspect your child’s anger is the result of trauma, prayer and professional counseling are your best options for helping them.

Noticing Possible Anger Triggers

Along with trauma, some other sources of childhood anger also could benefit from the help of a professional counselor or therapist. For example, children with anger issues may be diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum or may suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). They may have sensory processing issues or a learning disability. For angry kids, the root can be physical, emotional, mental, or intellectual. The answers are complex, and trained professionals can help you unravel the mysteries. 

Whatever the triggers of your child’s anger, you need to know that you are not alone. Resources are available for both parents and children struggling with anger issues. It’s also important to remember that you and your child are both created in the image of God and made for His purposes (Genesis 1:26-27). All humans have intrinsic value in His eyes, and He will walk with you each step of the journey.

Are you ready to be the dad God called you to be? Take the Godly Father Assessment to see how you’re doing and where you can improve as a father!