We’ve all been there. We’ve had that thought creep into our minds: I’m a terrible father. We’ve all been afraid that we don’t measure up, that we’re not good fathers. 

Truth is, none of us got handed a one-size-fits-all manual as we left the hospital with our kids, and none of us truly knew what we were getting into at the time. Many guys are single dads, going it alone, or stepfathers, trying to figure out how to navigate the challenges of a blended family.

In addition, popular culture doesn’t do us any favors. At every turn, the media paints fathers in the worse possible light. At best, they say we’re clueless. At worst, they say we’re abusive. Meanwhile, most of us are just trying to do the best we can.

It’s no wonder we feel like we’re terrible fathers sometimes. 

Asking better questions

In reality, we probably aren’t as bad as our nightmares make us feel. None of us are perfect, but we are all works in progress . . . what I like to call “masterpieces in the making.” That’s true of every part of our lives, including our fatherhood.

For many guys, the problem may be that they’re asking the wrong question. Our default mode is to ask, Am I a terrible father? While that’s natural, it’s not really helpful because it doesn’t provide any markers that measure how things are going. Whether you say “yes” or “no,” you’re probably still thinking you’re not a good father.

The solution is to ask better questions. Below, I’ve offered seven questions that I believe give us a better read on the state of our fatherhood. We can see where we might be gaining traction and where we need to improve. This list isn’t exhaustive, and the questions can be tweaked to better fit your context. But the basics are there; and, with God’s help, they are a solid first step toward becoming a better father.

Am I spending time in God’s Word?

If you’re afraid you’re being a terrible father, the best place to turn for a checkup is your heavenly Father. That means spending time in His Word on a regular basis. The Bible is the key to your spiritual growth as a man and as a dad. Plus, this is where you’ll hear God’s voice. Unlike the messages you hear in the world, His Word is truth. You can believe what He tells you through the pages of Scripture.

Am I praying for my kids?

To be honest, if you aren’t spending time in God’s Word, you may not be spending much time in prayer either. But they really are two sides of the same spiritual coin. Wise dads know that they need help, and prayer provides your lifeline. On top of that, you can pour your heart out to God regarding your hopes, dreams, and fears about your kids. If you’re afraid you’re not being a good father, you can lay it all on the table and ask God to do a special work in your family.

Am I taking or sending my kids to church?

Admittedly, it’s possible for kids to meet God and become Christ followers even if their dads don’t attend church with them. But it’s much more likely that they will take that step if their fathers are active in a local congregation as well. Truth is, your kids typically will value the things you value. So, if you’re there with them on Sunday morning and if you’re finding ways to serve, they will learn quickly that church attendance is all about nurturing a genuine relationship with God, not a weekly ritual they can take or leave as they get older.

Am I giving their mom the respect she deserves?

Best case scenario, you and your wife are working as a team on this parenthood journey. You communicate well, and you present a united front that your kids can see and respect. That’s important because your sons will learn how to treat a woman based on your example. And your daughters will set their expectations for how they are treated by watching you as well. You need to go out of your way to show respect to her every chance you get. Even if you’re divorced, you still need to find ways to respect your ex-wife. After all, she may not be your wife anymore, but she never stops being your kids’ mom.

Am I investing intentional time with my kids?

My kids are all married adults now; but when they were young, my life was really busy. Outside of family and church, I was holding down a full-time job and finishing two seminary degrees. In fact, for the first ten years of her life, my daughter didn’t know anything other than her dad going to class, reading books, and writing papers. While I don’t regret getting my master’s degree or my doctorate, I do wonder if I was not a good father in the way I handled my time. My kids—and my wife—probably needed me more than I realized during those years. And, while they celebrated my accomplishments, I’m pretty sure they celebrated getting their dad back even more.

Am I teaching my kids how to serve others?

When He was on earth, Jesus summarized His mission in terms of service. He said that He didn’t come to be served, but to serve and sacrifice on behalf of others (Mark 10:45). So, one of the best gifts you can give your kids is an awareness of people in need. As humans, we never reflect God better than when we love others the way He does. If you want to avoid the trap of being a terrible father, serve with your kids and give them an example they can follow for years to come.

Am I showing my kids how to be generous?

Want to know how the Bible defines a terrible father? Take a look at 1 Timothy 5:8. Paul wrote that any man who failed to take care of those closest to him was worse than an unbeliever. That’s an indictment against selfishness and a challenge to practice biblical stewardship. God owns all we have (Psalm 24:1), and He allows us to use it for His purposes. As a dad, you are called to demonstrate financial responsibility and generosity for God’s glory. It’s a tangible legacy your kids can carry on long after you’re gone.

What’s Next?

Starting out, you can work through this list (including questions you might add) on your own. You can pray through the questions and ask God to help you figure out what your strategy for moving forward. As James 1:5 reminds us, when we lack wisdom, God is more than happy to share His wisdom with us.

But I’d also encourage you to share this list (and your responses) with your spouse and your mentors at some point. In business settings, leaders often are asked to complete a 360-degree evaluation. They share what they think their leadership strengths and weaknesses might be, but they also get feedback from people around them. 

You can do the same thing with these questions. Allow your spouse to speak honestly into what she sees everyday around your house. And give significant men in your life the freedom to share their thoughts. They might see something you’re missing or can encourage you in an area where you think you’re not a good father. 

Together, you can move from “terrible father” to “terrific dad.”