Learning how to parent grown children is hard. And change is also a hard, consistent part of life. And no challenge you face as a man is greater than your responsibility to father and parent your children well. It’s a joy that lasts a lifetime, yet morphs at each stage of life.
Just when you understand babies, they become toddlers, and you’re back to square one. The same is true when they enter childhood, and the teen years are an adventure all their own. Then, suddenly, you’ve got to figure out how to parent grown children.
Even with an empty nest, your life is filled with new questions.
You’re Parenting for the Long Run
I’ve heard it said that parenting is not about raising good kids, but great adults. Of course, that starts under your own roof. From the moment your child is born, you accept the God-given responsibility to raise and guide this tiny human to a life of meaning and purpose, a life that glorifies his or her Creator.
But the truth is, parenting adult kids doesn’t stop when they leave the house for college or start their first “real job” or walking down the aisle at their wedding, or rush to the hospital for the birth of their first child. In fact, most people spend more time as the parent of an adult than in any other stage of parenthood.
In other words, you’re going to be in this for a while So, focusing on how to parent grown children makes a lot of sense.
Top Tips for Parenting Adult Children
If you’re struggling with this idea of learning how to parent grown children, I want you to relax a little bit. First of all, as noted, you’ve already survived several parental transitions. This one will be unique, but it’s doable.
Second, in a lot of ways, you’ve got a clean slate. Even if you struggled when your child lived at home, parenting adult kids launches a new act in the play. So, embrace the chance to start fresh. To help you out, here are five ideas for learning how to parent grown children.
1) Forget about how you did it.
The old cliché states that there’s more than one way to skin a cat. While that seems a little cringe-worthy out of context, it does remind us that being the parent of adult children is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. While you have experiences you can share, don’t demand that your child follow the same path.
God created each person individually. We are all unique creatures, which means our experiences are going to be unique. You can offer advice when it’s requested, but steer clear of pushing your way or judging decisions that are different from your own.
2) Listen more than you talk.
I know you have life experiences, both good and bad. And I know God gave them to you for a reason, including sharing what you’ve learned with others. But knowing what (and how much) to share can be a challenge for dads who are learning how to parent grown children.
One important key to parenting adult kids is learning how to listen. Sometimes, your grown kids just need a safe space to verbally process a situation. They really aren’t looking for answers. They need a listening ear. You can offer that. And, for those times when they do want your input, listening carefully can give you a better view of the big picture. That usually leads to better advice.
3) Be available.
Once your kids move out and the nest empties, it’s tempting to think they want as much distance between you and them as possible. But independence is a lot different from isolation. So, don’t be afraid to reach out to your kids. For example, our family has a special texting group where everyone chimes in regularly. We also rent houses and share space for family trips.
You can also do things with them, just like you did when they were younger. I still go to ball games with my oldest son. I still go to the movies with my younger son. And I still find ways to spend one-on-one time with their little sister when she’s in town. A lot of things change when your children become adults, but spending time with them never goes out of style!
4) Love unconditionally.
You might think this goes without saying. I believe it needs to be said over and over again. The truth is, you’re going to experience times when your adult children let you down. They will make a choice you can’t support or take an action you just don’t understand. It might even hurt—but you love them anyway.
Of course, the best example of this comes from our heavenly Father. All of His sons—including you and me—have rejected His guidance and done something against His plans. We’re human, and we’re broken. But He’s never stopped loving us. Learning how to parent adult children means learning to love them no matter what.
5) Pray without ceasing.
Like time and love, constant prayer is something you should be carrying over from one stage of parenthood to the next. As a dad, you probably spent time praying for your kids when they lived under your roof. Don’t stop now that they’re on their own. They may be independent, but they still need God’s wisdom and protection to face the challenges of the “real world” each day.
What’s more, you need His help too. You’ll never truly understand how to parent grown children without Him. So, if you’re going through a rough patch, ask for His direction. If things have been smooth sailing lately, thank Him for it and ask Him to teach you how to continue investing well.
Enjoy Every Moment of the Journey
A parent once joked with me about watching her kid grow up. After several bumpy years when her child was a teenager, she was starting to connect better with her young adult: “Just when they get interesting again, they move out!”
I can understand that sentiment. As kids grow older, you discover more shared interests that can serve as relationship bridges. Plus, maturity can shift a young man or woman’s perspective. It can help them see you in a different light.
So, as you’re discovering how to parent grown children, be sure to enjoy the journey. It has its challenges, but it can also provide you and your family with some great memories. You might just find that this stage of parenting adult kids is the best one yet!
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