How to become a better father: start with the end in mind

The idea of “how to become a better father” can seem so general it often loses its meaning. Think about this instead: what would you say to your children in a letter if you knew it was the last letter you could ever write?

About ten years ago, when we started Manhood Journey, we ask guys to go through this exercise. We asked about a dozen of the leaders at our church—these were laypeople and staff guys—and we said, “Hey, write a letter to your children that assumes you’re going to die within a week. You’re terminally ill. You know your time is short. And, you need to write a letter to your children.”

So, we got back these letters and they were awesome. And, they were all over the map. Some guys talked about picking a spouse. Some guys talked about money. Most guys talked about faith in Christ. I want to review some of the letters. I think it’ll encourage you to hear from other dads. And, I think it’ll remind you what’s most important about becoming a better father.

How to become a better father: start at the end.

It’s an interesting exercise thinking about your end of your life and how clear that tends to make your thinking. So, here’s what I would love to do with you. I want to walk you through some of the content from some of those letters.

Because, I think you’re going to see some patterns and the main pattern you’ll see is—there’s no pattern. There’s no template for this. It just needs to come from the heart. You may be wondering, am I going to ask you to write a letter to your children as part of our mission in this post? Yes, I am. So brace for impact! But, I want to help you as we go. Let me read a couple of pieces from some of the letters.

Rick

One guy named Rick, he wrote to his kids: My greatest desire for you is that you will know what it means to pursue a vibrant relationship with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This will require you to learn to be dependent on the Holy Spirit to lead you. 

Man, that’s great advice! You may read Rick’s note and think, “I have nothing that eloquent I could put in my letter.”

Well, that same guy, his letter was hilarious AND it was riddled with bad grammar and typos. So, don’t think you have to write a letter that would pass the AP Style Guide.

In fact, let me share with you one thing that was in his letter and I promise I’m quoting directly. He said at one point: Be intestinal about investing in others. I think he meant “intentional.” But, that was hilarious as I read it.

Tim

I guy named Tim said: Godly principles are always caught more than taught. And, they’re caught by watching the example of godly lives lived out before you and other people. Great advice.

Steve

A guy named Steve had his letter broken into sections like temptation, attitude, work ethic, marriage, money, brotherhood—he had a bunch of sections. The letters talk about everything from faith in Christ to memorizing Scripture to puberty and picking your spouse.

Jim

One dad told his children: Hey, if you’re going to make any decision that impacts you financially over $200. You should sleep on that decision.

So, there was just a ton of really interesting wisdom.

John

John wrote: Bad things happen at slumber parties.

Amen to that. I would agree. I’ve been to several when I was a kid.

Jeff

Jeff said: Today is all you have. Make the most of it. Don’t waste it away worrying about tomorrow or fretting over what you did wrong yesterday. Not that you shouldn’t make amends for the wrongs but don’t let them get you down. We all make mistakes. I’ve made a bunch of them. But today, I try to right what I did wrong yesterday and move on. 

So, I hope what you’re seeing is that these men wrote from their hearts. There was no pattern. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. I hope that this gives you some ideas and inspiration for your mission.

One example letter. Just an example. Don’t copy and paste!

In case you’re freaking out right now about writing your letter. Here is one great example of what I’m talking about.