Sadly, in a time when we’re home more than ever—it’s a time to be even more annoyed than ever—trying to work, make ends meet, or worry about going outside without a hazmat suit. In case you’re wondering, I’m pro-hazmat suits.
Now, I’m alarmed at things I’m hearing. I’ve read reports that, during these days at home, anger increases dramatically.
My friend and founder of Manhood Journey created the Anger Free Dad digital course to help dads get a grip on their sin of anger. In it, he provides tons of helpful thoughts and ideas about overcoming anger.
The Washington Post cites domestic violence organizations as being “overwhelmed..” and as not, “having enough response-line phones to go around.” Now, it’s a big shift from feeling annoyed to becoming violent. I hope most dads reading this don’t need to hear it. But, I understand the problem. We know experts tell us domestic violence will increase during coronavirus quarantines and stay-at-home orders.
Here’s the point: Ask yourself these questions when you’re feeling annoyed. Knowing where your anger’s coming from may unlock something that can keep you from going down anger’s rabbit hole.
Remember the “sneezing emergency” I mentioned in an earlier post? As I walked out of my boy’s room feeling the Spirit’s conviction for responding harshly again, God gave me the grace to see my anger. Then, I slowed down and asked what I was really angry at.
The facts of the situation were this:
- I had been entrusted to care for my boys and tuck them into bed.
- I had (on a previous occasion) most assuredly told them not to get out of bed or repeatedly yell for me after they were tucked in.
- My youngest son’s allergies were clearly flaring up.
- He had a moment of confusion over what to do.
- He yelled for his father, who he knows loves him.
- I responded angrily because walking up the stairs of my townhouse…. again… inconvenienced me and cut down on my “couch time.”
Yikes.
Rolling over the speed bump of seeing my anger just gave me a headache! I have to admit—when I look at the facts it’s hard to face the reality of what was going on in my heart and where my anger was coming from.
I think the source in this instance was twofold. First, I was tired. I had been working hard and, in this moment, I honestly just wanted to be finished with the demands placed on me. Second, I was angry about this situation because I wanted to be comfortable more than I wanted to lovingly lead my son to wiser decisions at bed time.
As we seek freedom from anger in our hearts, the next step is to SOURCE OUR ANGER. This is doing the hard work of investigating what is making us feel so deeply.
How to deal with anger? Find anger’s source.
Anger is most useful as a diagnostic tool. When anger erupts, it’s a signal something is wrong—something’s not working right. There’s evil, incompetence, or stupidity lurking about.
What anger fails to do, though, is tell us whether the wrong is outside or inside us. We usually begin by assuming the wrong is outside us — our spouse or our child or our God has done something wrong, and we are angry. (Eugene Peterson)
The first time I read Peterson’s words, I was elated and crushed. What freedom to know anger could give me insight into the complicated mess that was my heart. But, it was terrifying to acknowledge the reality that the thing wrong was often inside me.
For us to break through and stop being ruled by our angry emotions, we need to have a good understanding of where our anger is coming from. Sourcing our anger is the work of honestly uncovering what is really wrong…inside of us or outside of us. What does this look like?
How to deal with anger? Don’t skip the obvious things.
Our family has moved out of the toddler stage of parenting. But, one thing parenting five toddlers (not all at once!) taught us: The rage of a hungry child is not something to mess with.
Sadly, it took my wife and I about 10 years of parenting before we really realized the impact five cashews and a glass of water can have on overflowing emotions of a young child. Grown men can be more like toddlers than we care to admit. And let’s not forget, we can provoke our children to anger by our actions. God has made us to be whole people and paying attention to how our physiology is impacting our emotions becomes important in discovering the source of our anger.
Question #1: Are you eating well?
My wife served us lasagna the other night. The noodles were made from zucchini and it was covered with “cashew cheese.” Yeah, you read that right. It actually tastes shockingly good and it makes me feel good. When my diet is healthy I am not riding the emotional highs and lows of my blood sugar levels.
You don’t have to eat “cashew cheese” to stop being angry, but we tend eat a lot of garbage, yet each of us is a whole person. What we’re putting in our bodies is affecting how we feel.
Question #2: Are you eating at the right times?
Sometimes I get super focused on work and forget to eat lunch. I’m a pastor, so I am tempted to call it fasting, but I’m not sure that counts. When I skip meals, especially when it’s a result of poor planning or overwork, the result is nearly always a shorter temper. If I’m not careful, my coworkers, wife, and children can bear the brunt of my choices.
Question #3: Are you getting enough sleep and exercise?
My temper is shorter when I’m exhausted. Gone are the days when I can pull an all-nighter and function, much less be kind to the people around me. Regular exercise and the discipline of sleeping enough are key to having the energy and emotional bandwidth to navigate the demands on our life as a worker, husband, and father.
Question #4: Do you and your wife have a healthy and regular sexual relationship?
Yes, we’re going here. There are emotional and physiological implications to being out of sync sexually with your wife. Your calling as a husband is to be servant hearted and sacrificial to your wife in your sexual relationship first and foremost.
But, it’s also essential you are in regular communication with one another. Unmet expectations, or poor communication, can be a source of frustration for many.
If there is something lacking in one of these areas it’s by no means an excuse for sinful responses, nor should these categories be used as leverage to make demands on the people close to you.
Asking these questions is meant to give insight into your heart and the deeper sources of your anger. Wise is the man who does not neglect his heart.
Question: What physical habits in your life are a contributing factor to your expressions of anger? Are you eating well, exercising and getting enough sleep? Time to get them under control.
